Bathroom Humor at its finest:
The Shit List
1. Ghost shit--the kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet.
2. Clean shit--the kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
3. Wet shit--the kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it feels unwiped so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin your pants with a stain.
4. Second Wave--It happens when you're done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.
5. Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead shit--the kind where you strain so much you practically have a stroke.
6. Richard Simmons shit--you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
7. Lincoln Log shit--the kind that is so huge you're afraid to flush without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
8. Gassy shit--It's noisy and everyone within earshot is giggling.
9. Corn shit--self explanatory.
10. Gee-I-wish-I-could-shit shit -- the kind where you want to shit, but all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramp and fart a few times.
11. Spinal tap shit -- that's when it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
12. Wet cheek shit--(the power dump!) -- the kind that comes out of your butt so fast your cheeks get splashed with water.
13. Liquid shit--the kind where yellowish brown liquid shoots out and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
14. Mexican food shit--it smells so bad the room must be condemned.
15. Upper class shit--the kind that thinks their shit doesn't smell.
16. Fisherman's bobber shit--the kind where you are in a public restroom, there are two people waiting on your stall, you shit and flush two times, but several golf ball size pieces are still floating at the water line.
17. Ambush shit--the kind that never happens at home, but usually at a party or while playing golf. It is the result of trying to fart--just a little, but you end up with trouser chili and you walk bow-legged for the rest of the day.
18. Drunken shit--the kind you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
19. Champagne Shit--you're so constipated that by the time the cork blows, a bubbly liquid streams from your ass.
20. Kling-On Shit--The kind where, when you go to wipe it, it's there waiting on the edge.
21. Blow Out Shit--The shit that's proceeded by a fart so vicious, you have to check the bowl afterwards to make sure there are no cracks.
22. Exorcist Shit--The kind where yellowish-brownish liquid shoots out of your ass and burns your ass while it splatters all over the toilet. (See Liquid Shit)
23. Peek-A-Boo Shit--It comes halfway out, then it goes back in, comes back out, goes back in, etc.
24. Pregnancy Shit--The kind where you're really backed up and it makes you grunt and wheeze for a long while until it finally splits your crack in a child bearing fashion.(See Pop-a-Vein Shit, Spinal Tap Shit)
25. Rabbit Shit--It comes in cute, round portions, but there loads of it about. Actually, you're never really finished, but stop at some point from boredom.
26. Alphabet Shit--It comes leisurely, with one or a few breakaways, and when you look at it you think: "Doesn't that just look like the letter ...?"
27. Feminist Shit--No matter what it looks like or how it comes out, it's a man's fault.
28. Blowtorch Shit--Shit that burns your ass so much, you'd swear that it's flammable. (usually occurs morning after eating WAY too much spicy food)
29. Dual Density Shit--The kind where some shit floats and some shit sinks to the bottom of the bowl.
30. Ribbon Shit--A semiliquid fecal matter that is too thin to be a Lincoln Log Shit but not runny enough to be a Liquid Shit. Rather, it looks like a 1 inch wide piece of brownish fettuccine, with some specks of color.
31. The Public Shit--Shit that reminds your senses of the warm, moist stench that embraces you when you enter a less than sanitary public restroom.
32. Island Shit: This is a shit of such epic proportions that it rises above the water line and creates a mountain of dry land. A special touch is the addition of a toilet paper palm tree.
33. Flood Shit--You shit so much that it acts like a huge sandbag and ends up flooding your bowl and running out all over the place, leaving you to clean up a brown, pasty mess. (Add a bonus point if John Mellencamp does a relief concert to help cleanup efforts).
34. Dream Shit--When you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days, this is the shit that you'll be dreaming about.
35. Concrete Shit--This is what you'll drop after you haven't been to the toilet in 14 days.
36. Surgery Shit--After the Concrete shit, you'll have to go into surgery because your ass is torn apart so badly.