Comprehending Engineers

Comprehending Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on a bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." "The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

ENGINEER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PASTOR: Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him.

[...dramatic pause...]

Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.

PASTOR: That's so sad. I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
ENGINEER: Why can't these guys play at night?

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven

In the high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
The mathematician said: "Never."
The physicist said: "In an infinite amount of time."
The engineer said: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

When the company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service, they demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ...???........ $ 1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten

Why Engineers don't cook.

 Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
 Chocolate Chip Cookies:
 1.)   532.35 cm3 gluten
 2.)   4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
 3.)   4.9 cm3 refined halite
 4.)   236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
 5.)   177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
 6.)   177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
 7.)   4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
 8.)   Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
 9.)   473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
 10.)  236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

 To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall
 heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients
 one, two and three with constant agitation.  In a second 2-L reactor
 vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add
 ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is
 homogenous.  To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three
 equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1.  Additionally,
 add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.  Care
 must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature
 rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.  Using a screw
 extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a
 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).  Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time
 that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate
 expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.  Once the
 reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
 allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

 PS - don't try this at home.

 Commentary: I don't recommend 316 Stainless Steel for the baking
 sheet.  This will only promote the formation of pure carbon compounds
 along the contact area.  My own preference is for two sheets of  3 mil
 Al with contiguous seams and a 4mm thick enclosed air space filled
 with standard atmospheric.

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