Actual Announcements Taken from Church Bulletins

1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
9) Next Sunday, a special collection will be take to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
10) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
11) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
12) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
13) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
14) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
15) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
16) 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
17) The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
18) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19) The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge --Up Yours.

and my personal one:

20) Prophetic services Monday through Friday from 7:30 to 4:30 with an hour lunch break.

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