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PONDERINGS, BUMPER STICKERS,
AND ODD THOUGHTS

I did not create any of these...
- much of this was sent to me in email form.
(many are quotes or paraphrases from Steven Wright)

They just amuse me...
I hope you enjoy these absurdities too...
and please forgive me if there are any duplications on this page.

For more one-liners and sig info, visit here:
http://www.coolsig.com/

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  • If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

  •  
  • 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

  •  
  • You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

  •  
  • DON'T PISS ME OFF!  I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

  •  
  • You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

  •  
  • Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

  •  
  • My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

  •  
  •  GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN

  •  
  • All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

  •  
  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

  •  
  • I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

  •  
  • WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

  •  
  • BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

  •  
  • I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

  •  
  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

  •  
  • Hang up and drive.

  •  
  • Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

  •  
  • Honk If You Want To See My Finger

  •  
  • Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?

  •  
  • Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

  •  
  • I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.

  •  
  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  •  
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  •  
  • I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  •  
  • You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

  •  
  • Remember half the people you know are below average.

  •  
  • Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

  •  
  • Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.

  •  
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  •  
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  •  
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  •  
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  •  
  • Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

  •  
  • Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.

  •  
  • Quantum mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

  •  
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

  •  
  • Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

  •  
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

  •  
  • If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

  •  
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

  •  
  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  •  
  • For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

  •  
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

  •  
  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  •  
  • No one is listening until you make a mistake.

  •  
  • Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

  •  
  • The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

  •  
  • The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

  •  
  • The severity of the itch is inversely proportional of the ability to reach it.

  •  
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  •  
  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  •  
  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  •  
  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  •  
  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.

  •  
  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  •  
  • The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

  •  
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  •  
  • Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

  •  
  • Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!

  •  
  • Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.

  •  
  • Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

  •  
  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

  •  
  • How many of you believe in telekinesis?  Raise my hand ...

  •  
  • Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye opener.

  •  
  • If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

  •  
  • Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?  Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

  •  
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

  •  
  • When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put in your two cents, what happens to the other penny?

  •  
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  •  
  • Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  It's just stale bread to begin with.

  •  
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

  •  
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

  •  
  • Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite?

  •  
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

  •  
  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

  •  
  • Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

  •  
  • "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

  •  
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

  •  
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

  •  
  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

  •  
  • If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

  •  
  • I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.

  •  
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

  •  
  • I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

  •  
  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

  •  
  • All reports are in.  Life is now officially unfair.

  •  
  • If all is not lost, where is it?

  •  
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

  •  
  • If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

  •  
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

  •  
  • I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

  •  
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

  •  
  • It was all so different before everything changed.

  •  
  • Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.

  •  
  • Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

  •  
  • Old programmers never die.  They just terminate and stay resident.

  •  
  • A day without sunshine is like a day in Benton.

  •  
  • I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few.

  •  
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

  •  
  • It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

  •  
  • It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

  •  
  • Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.

  •  
  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

  •  
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

  •  
  • Never knock on Death's door; ring the bell and run (he hates that).

  •  
  • Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

  •  
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

  •  
  • If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

  •  
  • There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

  •  
  • An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

  •  
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.

  •  
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

  •  
  • It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

  •  
  • Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

  •  
  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  •  
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

  •  
  • When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

  •  
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

  •  
  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

  •  
  • Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

  •  
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

  •  
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

  •  
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

  •  
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  •  
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  •  
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

  •  
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  •  
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

  •  
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.

  •  
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

  •  
  • What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

  •  
  • Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

  •  
  • If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

  •  
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?

  •  
  • I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

  •  
  • If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

  •  
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're a ahead"?!

  •  
  • Why is the word abbreviation so long?

  •  
  • I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.

  •  
  • I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.

  •  
  • How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

  •  
  • How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

  •  
  • If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

  •  
  • Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  •  
  • What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

  •  
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  •  
  • When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

  •  
  • When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

  •  
  • Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

  •  
  • If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

  •  
  • Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

  •  
  • I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

  •  
  • So what's the speed of dark?

  •  
  • After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

  •  
  • Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? 

  •  
  • Argue not with dragons, for thou art crunchy and go well with brie. 

  •  
  • I think, therefore I am overqualified. 

  •  
  • Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

  •  
  • The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.

  •  
  • Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"? 

  •  
  • War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. 

  •  
  • Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. He who laughs, lasts.

  •  
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

  •  
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

  •  
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  •  
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

  •  
  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  •  
  • Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

  •  
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

  •  
  • Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

  •  
  • I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

  •  
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

  •  
  • I intend to live forever - so far, so good

  •  
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

  •  
  • If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

  •  
  • Mental backup in progress- Do Not Disturb!

  •  
  • Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

  •  
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

  •  
  • Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

  •  
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

  •  
  • When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  •  
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

  •  
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

  •  
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

  •  
  • 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

  •  
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  •  
  • Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. 

  •  
  • There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. 

  •  
  • How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? 

  •  
  • The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

  •  
  • What a nice night for an evening. 

  •  
  • When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!" 

  •  
  • Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? 

  •  
  • I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. 

  •  
  • I live on a one-way dead-end street. 

  •  
  • It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature. 

  •  
  • Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. 

  •  
  • I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks-I'm not going that far." 

  •  
  • I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained. 

  •  
  • Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

  •  
  • And another thing - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

  •  
  • Disneyland: A people trap operated by a mouse. 

  •  
  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  •  
  • If you make it idiot proof, someone will make a better idiot. 

  •  
  • f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.

  •  
  • Is it OK to yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded Firehouse?

  •  
  • Gravity. It's not just a good idea, it's the law! 

  •  
  • It's bad luck to be superstitious.

  •  
  • Common Sense Isn't. 

  •  
  • Money: The Mint makes it first, and we try to make it last. 

  •  
  • Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking. 

  •  
  • Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard. 

  •  
  • It may be that your sole purpose is to serve as a warning to others. 

  •  
  • A hen is an egg's way of making another egg. 

  •  
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  •  
  • When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? 

  •  
  • Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's? 

  •  
  • If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras? 

  •  
  • What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

  •  
  • After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? 

  •  
  • If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? 

  •  
  • What's another word for synonym? 

  •  
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 

  •  
  • When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs? 

  •  
  • Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 

  •  
  • Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 

  •  
  • Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? 

  •  
  • How can there be self-help groups? 

  •  
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? 

  •  
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? 

  •  
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? 

  •  
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? 

  •  
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo? 

  •  
  • Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? 

  •  
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? 

  •  
  • Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? 

  •  
  • If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

  •  
  • When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? 

  •  
  • When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? 

  •  
  • What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

  •  
  • If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? 

  •  
  • Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

  •  
  • My school colors were "clear". 

  •  
  • I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. 

  •  
  • I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. 

  •  
  • Hermits have no peer pressure.

  •  
  • I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

  •  
  • I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

  •  
  • I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.

  •  
  • I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

  •  
  • I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

  •  
  • I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

  •  
  • I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard

  •  
  • I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

  •  
  • I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

  •  
  • I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.

  •  
  • If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.

  •  
  • Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.

  •  
  • Bad Cop! No donut!

  •  
  • Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?

  •  
  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  •  
  • Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?

  •  
  • When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

  •  
  • Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

  •  
  • Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

  •  
  • He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.

  •  
  • She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

  •  
  • I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

  •  
  • Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

  •  
  • Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

  •  
  • How do I set my laser printer on stun? 

  •  
  • How is it possible to have a civil war? 

  •  
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

  •  
  • If God dropped acid, would he see people?

  •  
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 

  •  
  • If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

  •  
  • If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

  •  
  • If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 

  •  
  • If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

  •  
  • If you ate pasta and anti pasta, would you still be hungry?

  •  
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

  •  
  • Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

  •  
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

  •  
  • Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

  •  
  • Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

  •  
  • If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

  •  
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

  •  
  • If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? 

  •  
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  •  
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  •  
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  •  
  • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? 

  •  
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

  •  
  • If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 

  •  
  • And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

  •  
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

  •  
  • I invented the cordless extension cord.

  •  
  • I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

  •  
  • It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

  •  
  • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

  •  
  • Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

  •  
  • If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

  •  
  • There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

  •  
  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

  •  
  • Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em

  •  
  • Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

  •  
  • I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

  •  
  • I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

  •  
  • I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

  •  
  • I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

  •  
  • I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

  •  
  • I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

  •  
  • I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back....boy, were they mad!

  •  
  • I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes...

  •  
  • I filled out an application that said "In Case Of Emergency Notify:" I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

  •  
  • I bought some powdered water....but I didn't know what to add.

  •  
  • If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

  •  
  • The sky is falling ... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

  •  
  • Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

  •  
  • I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

  •  
  • If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

  •  
  • Are female moths called myths?

  •  
  • Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

  •  
  • Are there any unguided missiles?

  •  
  • Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

  •  
  • Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

  •  
  • Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

  •  
  • Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

  •  
  • Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

  •  
  • Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?

  •  
  • Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

  •  
  • Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

  •  
  • Do boxer shorts box?

  •  
  • Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

  •  
  • Do clowns wear really big socks?

  •  
  • Do flies get embarrassed when they get unzipped?

  •  
  • Do fish get thirsty?

  •  
  • Do hummingbirds hum because they don’t know the words?

  •  
  • Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

  •  
  • Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

  •  
  • Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?

  •  
  • Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

  •  
  • Do steam rollers really roll steam?

  •  
  • Do television evangelists do more than lay people? --Stanley Ralph Moss

  •  
  • Do vampires get AIDS?

  •  
  • Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

  •  
  • Do witches run spell checkers?

  •  
  • Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

  •  
  • Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

  •  
  • Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?

  •  
  • Does an analyst have to be anal? --Adam Rifkin

  •  
  • Does killing time damage eternity?

  •  
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

  •  
  • Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

  •  
  • Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?

  •  
  • Have you ever wondered?

  •  
  • How can someone "draw a blank"?

  •  
  • How can you tell when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

  •  
  • How come chocolate milk doesn't come from brown cows?

  •  
  • How come I can pick my ears but not my nose?

  •  
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?

  •  
  • How dead is the Dead Sea?

  •  
  • How did a fool and his money get together?

  •  
  • How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

  •  
  • How do they get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

  •  
  • How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others?

  •  
  • How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

  •  
  • How do you throw away a garbage can?

  •  
  • How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

  •  
  • How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?

  •  
  • How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?

  •  
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? 

  •  
  • How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

  •  
  • How many weeks are there in a light year?

  •  
  • How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

  •  
  • How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

  •  
  • How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was? --Satchel Paige

  •  
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

  •  
  • If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"

  •  
  • If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

  •  
  • If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?

  •  
  • If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?

  •  
  • If a mime commits suicide, does he use a silencer? --Steven Wright

  •  
  • If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

  •  
  • If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?

  •  
  • If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air? --Steven Wright

  •  
  • If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?

  •  
  • If a tree falls in the forest, does the earth scream out in pain?

  •  
  • If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  •  
  • If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

  •  
  • If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

  •  
  • If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? --Harry Shearer

  •  
  • If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? 

  •  
  • If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

  •  
  • If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

  •  
  • If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?

  •  
  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs? --Steven Wright

  •  
  • If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

  •  
  • If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

  •  
  • If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of? --Ashleigh Brilliant

  •  
  • If flowers don’t talk back to you, are they mums?

  •  
  • If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? --Steven Wright

  •  
  • If God can do anything, can he make a rock so big he can't lift it? --Steven Wright

  •  
  • If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?

  •  
  • If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?

  •  
  • If I save time, when do I get it back?

  •  
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

  •  
  • If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girls Scout cookies made out of?

  •  
  • If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

  •  
  • If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

  •  
  • If superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?

  •  
  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?

  •  
  • If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

  •  
  • If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? --Art Hoppe

  •  
  • If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?

  •  
  • If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

  •  
  • If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

  •  
  • If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

  •  
  • If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

  •  
  • If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

  •  
  • If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

  •  
  • If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

  •  
  • If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

  •  
  • In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?

  •  
  • Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don’t hunters just use flame-throwers? 

  •  
  • Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?

  •  
  • Is a small pig called a hamlet?

  •  
  • Is drilling for oil boring?

  •  
  • Is duck tape made out of ducks?

  •  
  • Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

  •  
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

  •  
  • Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?

  •  
  • Is the nose the scenter of the face?

  •  
  • Is this bullshit or fertilizer?

  •  
  • Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem for the self-employed? --Victoria Wood

  •  
  • Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?

  •  
  • Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?

  •  
  • What are imitation rhinestones?

  •  
  • What do batteries run on?

  •  
  • What do people in China call their good plates?

  •  
  • What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

  •  
  • What do you call a male ladybug?

  •  
  • What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?

  •  
  • What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

  •  
  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?

  •  
  • What happens if you're scared half to death twice?

  •  
  • What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

  •  
  • What happens when none of your bees wax?

  •  
  • What happens when you swallow your pride?

  •  
  • What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

  •  
  • What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

  •  
  • What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?

  •  
  • What’s the synonym for thesaurus?

  •  
  • What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

  •  
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

  •  
  • When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

  •  
  • When people lose weight, where does it go?

  •  
  • When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

  •  
  • When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?

  •  
  • Where are the germs that cause ‘good’ breath?

  •  
  • Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?

  •  
  • Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

  •  
  • Where does the white go when the snow melts?

  •  
  • Where does your lap go when you stand up?

  •  
  • Where is Old Zealand?

  •  
  • Which is the other side of the street?

  •  
  • Who killed the Dead Sea?

  •  
  • Why are America’s parks administered by the Department of the Interior? 

  •  
  • Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?

  •  
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?)

  •  
  • Why aren’t there ever any GUILTY bystanders? 

  •  
  • Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

  •  
  • Why can't we tickle ourselves?

  •  
  • Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

  •  
  • Why did the pot call the kettle black?

  •  
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

  •  
  • Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn’t the company just hire taller dancers? --Fred Allen

  •  
  • Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

  •  
  • Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?

  •  
  • Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

  •  
  • Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?

  •  
  • Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?

  •  
  • Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they’ll need an alibi?

  •  
  • Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?

  •  
  • Why do pigs have curly tails?

  •  
  • Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

  •  
  • Why do they call it ‘chili’ if it's hot?

  •  
  • Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

  •  
  • Why do they call it life insurance?

  •  
  • Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

  •  
  • Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?

  •  
  • Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?

  •  
  • Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?

  •  
  • Why do they make scented toilet paper?

  •  
  • Why do they report power outages on TV?

  •  
  • Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

  •  
  • Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

  •  
  • Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?

  •  
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

  •  
  • Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

  •  
  • Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?

  •  
  • Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?

  •  
  • Why do wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things? 

  •  
  • Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?

  •  
  • Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?

  •  
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

  •  
  • Why get even, when you can get odd?

  •  
  • Why is a boxing ring square?

  •  
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? --Amboy Dukes

  •  
  • Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony? 

  •  
  • Why is clear considered a color?

  •  
  • Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

  •  
  • Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

  •  
  • Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

  •  
  • Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him? 

  •  
  • Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

  •  
  • Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?

  •  
  • Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?

  •  
  • Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

  •  
  • Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

  •  
  • Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

  •  
  • Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? --Steven Wright

  •  
  • Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

  •  
  • Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

  •  
  • Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?

  •  
  • You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

  •  
  •  I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

  •  
  •  I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  •  
  •  We are Microsoft. Resistance is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

  •  
  •  I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.

  •  
  •  As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

  •  
  •  2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

  •  
  •  Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

  •  
  •  Friends don't let friends drive naked.

  •  
  •  The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

  •  
  •  Horn broken. Watch for finger.

  •  
  • Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

  •  
  • All generalizations are false.

  •  
  •  Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

  •  
  •  I brake for no apparent reason.

  •  
  •  Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

  •  
  •  I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

  •  
  •  Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

  •  
  •  We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

  •  
  •  He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  •  
  •  Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

  •  
  •  It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

  •  
  •  Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

  •  
  •  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

  •  
  •  Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

  •  
  •  I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

  •  
  •  Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

  •  
  •  Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

  •  
  •  Born free...Taxed to death.

  •  
  •  The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

  •  
  •  Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

  •  
  •  Rehab is for quitters.

  •  
  •  I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

  •  
  •  Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

  •  
  •  All men are idiots, and I married their King.

  •  
  •  Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

  •  
  •  Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

  •  
  •  Montana-At least our cows are sane!

  •  
  •  I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

  •  
  • Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

  •  
  •  If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

  •  
  •  When you do a good deed, get a receipt-in case heaven is like the IRS.

  •  
  •  Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

  •  
  •  No radio - Already stolen.

  •  
  •  Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

  •  
  •  Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges .

  •  
  •  I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

  •  
  •  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

  •  
  •  OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

  •  
  •  Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

  •  
  •  I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

  •  
  •  Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

  •  
  •  Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

  •  
  •  IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

  •  
  •  Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

  •  
  •  It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

  •  
  •  According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

  •  
  •  Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

  •  
  •  Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

  •  
  •  A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

  •  
  •  Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

  •  
  • How can I miss you if you won't go away?

  •  
  •  Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

  •  
  •  Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

  •  
  •  We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

  •  
  •  Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

  •  
  •  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

  •  
  •  Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

  •  
  •  Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

  •  
  •  Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

  •  
  •  Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

  •  
  •  i souport publik edekashun.

  •  
  •  Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

  •  
  • There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

  •  
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

  •  
  • Keep honking...I'm reloading.

  •  
  • Caution: I drive like you do. 

  •  
  • Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. 

  •  
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 

  •  
  • One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. 

  •  
  • To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 

  •  
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 

  •  
  • The older you get, the better you realize you were. 

  •  
  • I doubt, therefore I might be. 

  •  
  • Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

  •  
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

  •  
  • Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

  •  
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

  •  
  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

  •  
  • A fool and his money are soon partying. 

  •  
  • Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? 

  •  
  • Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? 

  •  
  • Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...

  •  
  • It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. 

  •  
  • Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? 

  •  
  • |||||||//////__ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

  •  
  • Originality is the art of concealing your sources. 

  •  
  • Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! 

  •  
  • Grow your own Dope - Plant a Politician. 

  •  
  • Democracy: Four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch. 

  •  
  • The buck doesn't even slow down here! 

  •  
  • Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. 

  •  
  • If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer. 

  •  
  • Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience! 

  •  
  • The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. 

  •  
  • Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty. 

  •  
  • Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

  •  
  • Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

  •  
  • Nothing's impossible for those who don't have to do it.

  •  
  • Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 

  •  
  • Don't worry: the answer's at the back of the book. 

  •  
  • We do precision guesswork. 

  •  
  • My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot. 

  •  
  • 'Oh what a tangled web we weave' - Hair Club for Men.

  •  
  • A penny saved is a government oversight. 

  •  
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. 

  •  
  • You know you're old when you walk into an antique store and someone tries to buy you. 

  •  
  • "They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!"

  •  
  • A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once. 

  •  
  • Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing. 

  •  
  • Psychiatrists say that one out of five people are mentally ill. If four of your friends are OK, then you're the one. 

  •  
  • This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

  •  
  • Yesterday I knew nothing,----Today I know that. 

  •  
  • Smile.... It confuses people! 

  •  
  • I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 

  •  
  • I'm in love with a girl who doesn't even know I'm alive. She's thinks she got me with her long range rifle, but she missed. - Jonathan Colan - 

  •  
  • I work very hard- Please don't expect me to think as well. 

  •  
  • If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? 

  •  
  • Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. 

  •  
  • Windows: Just another pane. 

  •  
  • Two's company.-Three's an orgy. 

  •  
  • Wisdom is running after mankind ... but mankind is quicker!

  •  
  • Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth. 

  •  
  • I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.

  •  
  • He's as sharp as a beach ball. 

  •  
  • When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy - When planets do it we say they are orbiting. 

  •  
  • Personally, I've always thought of a chaperone as a person too old to make the team, but still in there intercepting passes. 

  •  
  • And a word to the ladies about their appearance. Seems to me, it's far more important to have your "no's" fixed before you worry about fixing your "nose". 

  •  
  • Harried wife, figuring at desk, to husband and children: "Well, I worked out a budget. But one of us will have to go."

  •  
  • Husband, peering at a stack of bills: "Well, it's finally happened. There's a payment due on something every day." 

  •  
  • Wife to Husband: "All right ! I admit I like to go shopping and spend money... but name one other extravagance." 

  •  
  • Wife to husband, working on budget: "Perhaps we could borrow a little every month, and put that aside." 

  •  
  • Husband to wife discussing dental bills: "Maybe we get a some kind of book and straighten their teeth ourselves."

  •  
  • If it ain't broke, fix it till it is. 

  •  
  • I don't get even, I get odder. 

  •  
  • In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. 

  •  
  • I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

  •  
  • I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it. 

  •  
  • My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. 

  •  
  • I am having an out of money experience. 

  •  
  • Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths. 

  •  
  • If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

  •  
  • Birthdays are good for you the more you have the longer you live.

  •  

     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

    Joys of Womanhood
     

  • Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

  •  
  • Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

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  • You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

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  • Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies:  They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

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  • One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

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  • It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

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  • If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

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  • I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

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  • The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

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  • Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

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  • Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

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  • Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

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  • Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

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  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

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  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

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  • You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

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  • I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

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  • I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

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  • Amazing!  You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

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  • It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

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  • Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

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  • The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

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  • Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

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  • Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

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  • Can it be a mistake that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backward?

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