LYRICS

for Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie




Thank U

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

yeah yeah
ahh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhhhhh
yeaahhhh yeahh


Front Row

Do you go to the dungeon to find out
How to make peace with your days in the dungeon
Writing a letter to you didn't make me feel any more peaceful then
How I felt when we weren't speaking because I didn't cop to what I did.
I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries.
I'd like you to be schooled and in awe as though you were kissed by god full on the lips.

I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up
I'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minute
I want to banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along
With my three favorite cd's ambivalent yet in your bed
We've yet to acknowledge what really happened slid into the ditch
I have this overwhelming loss of ambition we said let's name thirty good reasons
Why we shouldn't be together I started by saying things
Like "you smoke" "you live in new jersey (too far)"
You started saying things like "you belong to the world"
All of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was hypothetical
I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off.....
i'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up
And I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops
You don't always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time we spend together ... for a while i'm speaking you know How much you hate to be interrupted maybe spend some time alone to fill up your proverbial cup So that it doesn't always have to be about you i've been wanting your undivided attention I like the fact that you're nothing like me are you not burdened  
By the lack of perspective people Have of your charmed life (seemingly)?

I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn I get to see you see you close up
You never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for certainly
Not analysed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been misrepresented dealing
With the concept of arrows being slung towards your outrageous fortune hey
I'm not mad at you guardian i'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl and hydeness
I'm glad i figuratively slapped you on the wrist you laughed a wicked laugh and said "come here let me clip your wings!"
( I know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything )
"Raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof!" I yelled back
( Unfortunately you needed a health scare to reprioritize )
No thanks to the soap box. having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference...
I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn. I get to see you see you close up oh the things i've done for you
Many a sitch a friend a man's been left for you oh the books i've read for yo
The tongues i've bitten for you many a new city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret)


Baba

I've seen them kneal with faded breath for their rituals
I've watched this experience raise them to pseudo higher levels
I've watched them leave their family in pursute of your Nirvana
I've seen them coming up tonight from Switzerland and America

How long will this take Baba
How long have we been sleeping
So you've seen me hanging on to every word you say
How soon will I'll be holding
How much will this cost you
How much longer till you completely lose your faith

I've seen men give their drugs up conduce of make shift alters
I've heard them chanting Kali Kali frantically
I've heard them brokely repeat your teachings with every tism
I've seen men boasting robes and fall at sandal worn feet

How long will this take Baba
How long have we been sleeping
So you've seen me hanging on to every word you say
How soon will I'll be holding
How much will this cost you
How much longer till you completely lose your faith

(Chanting Interlude) 
I've seen men overlooking god and their own escense
I've seen their upward glances in hopes of patient salvation
I've seen their righteousness mixed with their loving confetion
I've watched you smile as the students bow to kiss your feet

How long will this take Baba
How long have we been sleeping
So you've seen me hanging on to every word you say
How soon will I'll be holding
How much will this cost you
How much longer till you completely lose your faith
Give me strength on and week long
How long till we light tandy
How much longer till you completely lose your faith
(Chanting outro)


Are You Still Mad

Are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
Are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
Are you still mad I compared you to all
My forty year old male friends?
Are you still mad I shared our problems
With everybody?

Are you still mad I had an emotional affair?
Are you still mad I tried to mold you into
Who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are
Of course you are

Are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one foot out of the door?
Are you still mad that we slept together even after
We had ended it?
Of course you are
Of course you are

Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus
Only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are
Of course you are


Sympathetic Character

I was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up I was
Afraid of your physical strength I was afraid
You'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your
Sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me
I was afraid of your alocohol breath I was afraid
Of your complete disregard for me I was afraid
Of your temper I was afraid of handles being
Flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched
Into walls I was afraid of your testosterone

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
And i've kept mine bubbling under for you

You were my best friend
You were my lover
You were my mentor
You were my brother
You were my partner
You were my teacher
You were my very own sympathetic character

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the
Calm before the storm I was afriad for my own
Bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
Of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of
Your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your
Manipulation I was afraid of your explosions

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
And i've kept mine bubbling under for you

chorus * chorus
You were my keeper
You were my anchor
You were my family
You were my saviour
And therein lay the issue
And therein lay the problem


That I Would Be Good

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you


The Couch

You hadn't seen your father in such a long time
He died in the arms of his lover how dare he
Your mother never left the house
She never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her

You reminded her so much of your father
So you were banished and you wonder wh you're so hypersensitive
And why you can't trust anyone but us
But then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
She was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me

I don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years
I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
Who are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problems
Not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour

How can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
It was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
We went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood

I walked into his office I felt so self-conscious on the couch
He was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis I don't know
I've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get
You say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?

Just the other day my sweet daughter I was driving past 203 I walked up the stairs in my mind's eye
I remember how they would creak loudly
She was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
I was only trying to be the best big brother I could

I've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
Sometimes indignant sometimes raw
Can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes
it feels like highway robbery and sometimes it's peanuts
I wish it could last a couple more hours

So here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
You see n getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not relinquishing your majestry
You are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big
And I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life


UR

Burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
All this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
If someone broke into my house
Suits in the living room
Do you realize guys I was born in 1974
We've got someone here to explain your publishing
We know how much you love to be in front of audiences
Hopeful you are
Schoolbound you are
Naive you are
Driven you are
Take a trip to new york with your guardian
And your fake identification
When they said "is there something anything
You'd like to know young lady?"
You said "yes I'd like to know what kind of people
I'll be dealing with"
Precocious you are
Headstrong you are
Terrified you are
Ahead of your time you are
Don't mind our staring but
We're surprised you'not in a far-gone asylum
We're surprised you didn't crack up
Lord knows that we would've
We would've liked to have been there
But you keep pushing us away
Resilient you are
Big time you are
Ruthless you are
Precious you are


I Was Hoping

As we were taking outside it was cold we were shivering yet
Warmed by the subject matter my wife is in the next room
We've been having troubles you know please don't tell her or anyone
But I need to talk to somebody you said

"Wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was five minutes before I died
I'd be filled with such regret before I took my last breath"

And I said "you're willing to tell me this now and you're not going to die any time soon"
And I said I haven't been eating chicken or meat or anything
And you said yes but you've been wearing leather and laughed
And said we're at the top of the food chain and yes you're a fine woman

And I cringed I was hoping I was hoping we could heal each othe
I was hoping I was hoping we could be raw together we left the restaurant
Where the head waiter (in his 60's) said "good-bye sir thank you sir
Thank you for your business sir you're successfull and established sir
And we like the frequency with which you dine here sir and your money"

And when I walked by they said "thank you too dear" 
I was all pigtails and cords and there was a day when I would've said something like
"hey dude I could buy and sell this place so kiss it" 
I too once thought I was owed something
I was hoping I was hoping we could challenge each other
I was hoping I was hoping we could crack each other up I too thought that
When proved wrong I lost somehow I too once thought life was cruel
It's a cycle really you think i'm withdrawing
And guilt tripping you I think you're insensitive and I don't feel heard
And I said do you believe we are fundamentally judgemental? fundamentally evil?
And you said yes I said I don't believe in revenge in right or wrong good or bad you said
"well what about that man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room
Bleeding after beating his kid and she threw a shoe at his head.

I think what he did was wrong and I would've had a hard time feeling compassion for him"
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.
I was hoping I was hoping we could dance together
I was hoping I was hoping we could be creamy together 


One

I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
The sexy treadmill capitalist
Heaven forbid I be criticized
Heaven forbid I be ignored

I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
Heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days of powerlessness

I have abused my so-called power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one

Did you just call her amazing?
Surely we both can't be amazing!
And give up my hard earned status
As fabulous freak of nature?

I have abused my power forgive me
You mean we actually are all one
One one one one one one one
Always looked good on paper
Sounded good in theory


Unsent

Dear matthew I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now 
And I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want
To come visit me in california I would be open to spending time with you and finding out
How old you were when you wrote your first song dear jonathan I liked you too much
I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves
And you were plenty self-desructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragis
The better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance
Like it was yesterday dear terrance I love you mucly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally
Available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away
I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform
>From which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me dear marcus you rocked my world you had a charismatic way
About you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking
My own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any
Further than we did and it's kinda too bad becasue we could've had much more fun dear lou we learned so much I realize we
Won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as
Well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious
About you about your career about your whereabouts 


So Pure

You from new york you are so relevant
You reduce me to cosmic tears
Luminous more so than most anyone
Unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
And lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression
Let's grease the wheel over tea
Let's discuss things in confidence
Let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
Let's solve the world's problems
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
So pure such an expression


Joining You

Dear dar(lin') your mom (my friend) left a message on my machine she was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy that you wanted to do away with yourself
I guess she thought i'd be a perfect resort because we've had this
Inexplicable connection since our youth and
Yes they're in shock they are panicked you and your chronic them and their drama
You this embarrassment us in the middle of this delusion
If we were our bodies
If we were our futures
If we were our defenses i'd be joining you
If we were our culture
If we were our leaders
If we were our denials i'd be joining you
I remember vividly a day years ago we were camping you knew more than you
Thought you should know
You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed" and you were mindboggling you were intense
You were uncomfortable in your own skin you were thirsty but mostly you were beautiful
If we were our nametags
If we were our rejections
If we were our outcomes i'd be joining you
If we were our indignities
If we were our successes
If we were our emotions i'd be joining you
You and I we're like 4 year olds we want to know why and how come about everything
we want to reveal ourselves at will and speak our minds and never talk small and be intuitive
And question mightily and find god my tortured beacon we need to find like-minded companions
If we were their condemnations
If we were their projections
If we were our paranoias i'd be joining you
If we were our incomes
If we were our obsession
If we were our afflictions i'd be joining you
We need reflection we need a really good memory feel free to call me a little more often


Heart of the House

You are the original template
You are the original exemplary
How seen were actually?
How revered were you (honestly) at the time?
Why pleased with you low maintenance?
You loved us more than we could've loved you back
Where was you ally your partner in feminine crime?
Oh mother who's your buddy?
Oh mother who's got your back?
The heart of the house
The heart of the house
All hail the goddess!
You were "good ol'"
You were "count on 'er 'til four am"
You saw me run from the house
In the snow melodramatically
Oh mother who's your sister?
Oh mother who's your friend?
The heart of the house
The heeart of that house
All hail the goddess!
We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
And talked like women to women would
Womyn to womyn would "where did you get that from?
Must've been your father your dad"
I got it from you I got it from you
Do you see yourself in my gipsy garage sale ways?
In my fits of laughter?
In my tinkerbell tendencies?
In my lack of colour coordination?


Your Congratulations

I wouldn't have compromised so much
So much of myself for fear of
Having you hating me
I would've sung so loudly
It would've cracked myself!
I became self-conscious
Of anything exuberant
I wouldn't have sold myself short
I wouldn't have kept my eyes
Glued to the ground
If I had've known my invisibility
Would not make a difference
I would've run around screaming proudly
At the top of my voice
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck
I'm talking idealism here
I would not have been so self deprecating
I wouldn't have cowered
For fear of having my eyes scratched out!
I wouldn't have cut my comfort off
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
Every one of their compliments
It was your approval I wanted
Your congratulations





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