Christmas Humor

Items on this page:

Guess the Canticles of Christmas

Psychiatric Christmas Tunes

The 12 Days of (East Texas) Christmas

A Cajon Chrisma' A Southern Christmas

Visit of Lieutenant General Claus

Money



Other Humor Pages:

Back to the Main Humor Page

Generally Humorous Stuff

Sports

The South

Rules

Military

 


Guess the Canticles of Christmas

Each of the phrases below can be interpreted as the title of a Christmas song. To see the answer to one song at a time, hold your cursor over the big A at the beginning of the line - the answer will appear at the bottom of the screen on the status bar (don't click the A, just hold your cursor over it). If you would like to see all the songs & answers together in a new window, click here.

A Exclamation, Member of the Round Table with Missing Areas
A Boulder of the Tinkling Metal Spheres
A Vehicular Homicide was Committed on Dad’s Mom by a Precipitous Darling
A Wanted in December: Top Forward Incisors
A The Apartment of Two Psychiatrists
A The Lad is a Diminutive Percussionist
A Sir Lancelot with Laryngitis
A Punch Out the Passages
A Cup-Shaped Instruments Fashioned of a Whitish Metallic Element
A Exclamation, Small Israeli Urban Center
A Far Off in a Haybin
A Kong, Lear and Cole – That’s Us
A Duodecimal Enumeration of the Passage of the Yuletide Season
A Leave the Broadcast from an Elevation
A Our Fervent Hope is that You Thoroughly Enjoy Your Yuletide Season
A Listen, the Winged Heavenly Messengers are Proclaiming Tunefully
A As the Guardians of the Woolly Animals Protected Their Charges in the Dark
A I Beheld a Trio of Nautical Vessels Moving in this Direction
Jubilation to the Entire Terrestrial Globe
A Do You Perceive the Same Vibrations that Stimulate My Auditory Sense Organs?
A Small, Wingless, Bloodsucking Insect that has a Pater in the Armada
A Parent was Observed Osculating a Red-Coated Unshaven Teamster
A May the Deity Bestow an Absence of Fatigue to Mild Male Humans
A An Event that Arrived on a Cloudless Witching Hour
A Jubilation to the Entire Terrestrial Globe

(TOP)
 


Psychiatric Christmas Tunes:

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC - Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town . . .

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me, and then took it all away

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell . . .

 

The 12 Days of (East Texas) Chrismas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three chicken-friedsteaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, ten honky-tonks,
Nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven months of summer,
Ten honky-tonks,
Nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me, twelve pickup trucks,
Eleven months of summer,
Ten honky-tonks,
Nine frito pies,
Eight weeks of high-school football,
Seven Dairy Queens,
Six more fireant hills,
Five onion rings,
Four six-packs of Lone Star,
Three chicken-fried steaks,
Two doe permits,
And a woodpecker in a pinetree.

(TOP)
 

A Cajon Chrisma’

Wuz de night befo’ Chrisma', wit de moon big lak jumbo
Us Cajun wuz stirrin’ a big pot o’ gumbo.

De chillern all cover god down on the flo’
Wid moss onderneat, so dey don’ get no soe.

Mama at de chimney is roastin’ de ham
An boilin’ de couboullion, and bakin’ de yam.

Wen out on de bayou, dey go such a clatta
Man it soun’ lak Gros Boudreaux dun fall off a ladda!

Ah run lak a rabbit to get to de do’
Trip on de dog, an’ fall on de flo’.

As ah look out de do’, in de light o de moon
Ah tink, Man, you crazy or you goin’ be soon!

Cuz dere on de bayou wen ah stretch mah neck stiff
Ah see eight alligator and dey pullin’ a skiff!

Dem gator wuz swiff, down de bayou dey came
And de deiver, he holla and call them by name;

“Haw, Comeaux!, Haw, Boudreaux!, Fontenot and Alcide!
Gee, Phydeaux!, Gee Thibodeaux!, Alphonse and Pladide!

To de top o de po’ch, to de top o de wall,
Crawl up dere alligator, an’ be so you don’ fall!”

Lak dat up de po’ch de alligator dey climb
Wit a skiff full of playting and Sain’Nicklas behin’.

Den on top o de po’ch it soun’ lak de hail,
Wen all dem big alligator dey set down dey tail.

An den from de chimney ah hear a big “BAM!”
Wen Sain’ Nicklas he fall “sit – first” on de yam.

“Sacre Bleu,” he say, “Ah bet my pants got a hole
Where I set dem down on dem big red hot coal!”

He wuz dress all in muskrat, from him head to him foot
An’ his clos’ is all cover wit ashes an’ soot.

A sack full of playting he trow on his back,
He look lak a criminal, an’ dat’s fo’ a fack!

His eye, how dey shine, his dimple how merry!
His cheek lak red roses, his nose lak a cherry.

He have white hair on his chin, and a big fat belly
Dat shake wen he laff, lak de strawberry jelly.

A wink of his eye an’ a shak ob his han’
Ah gay-ron-tee, ah lak dis fat man.

He don’ do no talkin’, an got rat to work,
Put playting in socks an’ den turn wit a jerk.

He put bot’ his han’ on top of his head,
He look at the de chimney an’ den he done said:

“Wif all dat der fire, an’ dem red-hot yam,
Ah don’ go back up dat way again!”

o he run out de do’ an’ cime on de roof,
He jump in his skiff, an’ he crack his big whip.

Man, dem alligator day MOVE an’ dey do not slip!
An’ ah hear him holla as down de bayou he go,

“Merry Chrisma’, Merry Chrisma’!” ‘til I see him no mo’.

(TOP)
 

A Southern Christmas

Due to union rules Santa will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. The local replacement happens to be Santa's third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares His goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between the two.

Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. Like a Ford Logo with lights that race through the letters.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

(TOP)
 

Operation Order 12-98 For: Official Visit of Lieutenant General Claus

1. An official staff visit by LtGen Claus is expected at this base on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes Officers, Warrant Officers, Staff Non-commissioned Officers, Noncommissioned Officers, and mice. Marines may obtain special stirring permits for necessary tasks through the Battalion S-1 Office (See Company Office for PAR).
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap no later than 2200 hours, 24 Dec. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas -- cotton, light-weight, general purpose, olive-green; and cap -- battle-dress, utilities, Woodland pattern. Equipment will be drawn from supply prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember that this is the "season of giving."
c. Personnel will utilize standard "T'-ration sugarplums for visions to dance in their heads. Sugarplums are available in "T'-ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. "T'-ration sundry packs can be picked up at the Medina Dining Facility (MDFAC) from 0800-1800 24 Dec 98. The S-4 will coordinate the acquisition and distribution of the "T'-ration sugarplums and accompanying items.
d. Stockings -- wool, cushion sole, olive-green -- will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. Platoon commanders will submit stocking handling plans to the S-3T, Training Chief, prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All Platoon commanders will ensure their subordinate personnel attend mandatory stocking-hanging safety classes and are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging by the Safety Officer. Stocking Safety will be taught 18 Dec 98 at 1900 in the conference room of Bldg 321. Stocking Licenses will be issued at that time. Stockings will be issued out of the pebble shack on a first come first serve basis from 1400 - 1600 on 19 December.
e. At first sound of clatter, all personnel will spring from their racks to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, Operations Plan (OPLAN) 7-98 (North Pole Contingency), para 6-8-A9(3), dated 4 Mar, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter-tearing and sash-throwing. Platoon Commanders, Platoon Sergeants, and all Marines of the Guard will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in the barracks prior to the start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wondering eyeball" stations. The Sergeant of the Guard will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.
g. The Company Training Chief, in coordination with the U.S. Transportation Command (CinC-Trans) and Motor T, will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24A3 and eight (8) reindeer, tiny, for use by LtGen Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with rooftop permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his Department of Navy Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On, Dancer! On, Prancer!" etc.

2. LtGen Claus will initially enter Bldg 302 through the front entryway. All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A1, for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Navy Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Company Gunnery Sergeant prior to 20 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!" This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of the Senior Enlisted Marine.

FOR THE COMMANDER (Signed)

(TOP)
 

Money

  • Money can buy a house, but not a home.
  • Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
  • Money can buy a clock, but not time.
  • Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
  • Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
  • Money can buy position, but not respect.
  • Money can buy blood, but not life.
  • Money can buy medicine, but not health.
  • Money can buy sex, but not love.
  • Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
  • You see, money is not everything.

Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me immediately.
I need it for Christmas.

(TOP)
Hosting by WebRing.