Southern Humor

And God Created the Earth

Warning to Visiting Yankees:

The Difference Between the North and the South

What Southerners Would Never Say

A Southern Christmas

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And God Created the Earth

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a particular spot on a large land mass and said, "What's that?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. It has it all. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. There are high plains, coastal waters and desert. The people from Texas will be modest, intelligent and humorous and they will be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as great diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "what about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them in Oklahoma and Arkansas..."


Warning to Visiting Yankees:

All us Southerners already know this. So, this is fair warning to all Yankees (northerners who visit the South) or Damned Yankees (northerners who come South and stay).

  1. Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know how to cook.
  2. Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man for much less than that.
  3. Don't order a bottle of "pop" or a can of "soda". This can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Co' Cola, even if you want a Pepsi.
  4. Southern women don't fancy smart-mouth Yankees. And remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
  5. Don't show allegiances to any school in football other than a SEC team. All the others are a bunch of whips who play Wyoming every week.
  6. Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
  7. Yes, we know the humidity is high. Quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
  8. No, the state symbol of Georgia is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction makes us mad too, but at least we have trees to look at.
  9. Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this, everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God intended.
  10. Don't try to talk with a southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
  11. Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get yourself back up North.
  12. We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games. Don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.

The Difference Between the North and the South

The North has dating services
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads

The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt

The North has double last names
The South has double first names

The North has distilleries, breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridgerunners


What Southerners Would Never Say:

  1. Throw that bacon grease out, we'll never use it again.
  2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
  3. Duct tape won't fix that.
  4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
  5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
  6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
  7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
  8. You can't feed that to the dog.
  9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
  10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
  11. Wrasslin's fake.
  12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
  13. We're vegetarians.
  14. Do you think my gut is too big?
  15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
  16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
  17. Who's Richard Petty?
  18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
  19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
  20. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
  21. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
  22. Trim the fat off that steak.
  23. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
  24. The tires on that truck are too big.
  25. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
  26. I've got it all on the C drive.
  27. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
  28. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
  29. My fiancee Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
  30. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
  31. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
  32. Checkmate.
  33. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
  34. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
  35. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
  36. I don't have a favorite college team.
  37. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
  38. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
  39. Those shorts oughta be a little longer, Darla.
  40. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

A Southern Chrismas

Due to union rules Santa will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. The local replacement happens to be Santa's third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares His goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between the two.

Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit cup handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy Logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of Me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."


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