Military Humor

Let There Be 2600 Marines!

Priceless

The Middle of the Night

The Differences Between the Services

SGLI

Military - 1945 vs 1999

The Story of Creation

A Conversation Between Marines

The New Bootcamp Standards

At Home Submarine Simulation

The Visit of LtGen Claus

Murphy's Laws of Combat

Your Family Might Be a Little Too Oorah if...

Fitness Report Quotes

Other Humor Pages:

Back to the Main Humor Page

Generally Humorous Stuff

Sports

Christmas

Rules

The South




Let There Be 2600 Marines!

In the beginning was the word. And the word was passed when the earth was without organization or field day. And upon the first day, God said, "Let there be light," and he called the light day and the darkness night, or mid. And God saw that they were good.

On the second day, God created the earth, the seas that cover the earth and the heavens over the earth. And God looked upon the earth and seas and heavens and saw that they were good. Except for some crummy spots in isolated areas of the earth. And God had an idea. God said, "Let there be little square buildings with no windows in those crummy spots and surround them with poles and wires." And God looked at his creation and saw it was about what he had expected.

On the third day, God created men and placed them on the surface of the earth and everywhere on the earth there lived man. Except for those crummy spots where men refused to live. And God said, "Let there be a special kind of men to live in those spots, and let them speak a strange language and tell no man what they do." And God created these men out of forged steel and said, "You shall be called 2600 Marines and you will think of yourselves as having special abilities and favors in my sight."

On the fourth day, God was awakened early by a great noise. And God saw that it was the Marines calling his name and crying that they had nothing to do. And God spoke to them and said, "Arise and go into the square building where I have set for you many wondrous devices covered with multitudes of knobs and switches. And you shall spend your days listening to the music of heaven." Saying this, God gave unto them the combination to the doors that they might safeguard it and live in peace until called upon to make war.

On the fifth day, God created the birds of the air, the beasts of the sea and every variety of plant and animal that liveth on the face of the earth. And God moved upon the earth and heard a great grumbling and complaining from the square buildings of the Marines. "We are too many," they said, "and cannot all fit into this place that you have made for us." God saw that they were indeed too many and divided them into three parts that one part may work during the day, another may work at night, and the third would rule over the other two. And then God saw that the sun had passed the Zenith and he had a second idea. God said, "Let there be training days." And a great lamentation arose from the Marines, for they had witnessed the death of their break days. Then God created the Training Chief, the ancient word for "maker of trouble".

On the sixth day, God was putting a few finishing touches on creation when once again His peace was interrupted by the loud complaining of the Marines. "Oh Lord," they said, "We keep the hours that you have set for us, but still find dissention and strife in our midst. We know not which one of us is to turn which knob or which of us should change the light bulbs." And God said unto them, "I will make of you a number of MOS's, and called their numbers 2621, 2629, 2649, 2674, and so on. Your numbers will prefix with 26, the number which standeth for those able men of rare intellect!" Thus did God create a hatred from other Marines for His SIGINT Marines.

On the seventh day, he rested and at the twelfth hour of the day, there again arose a great noise from the square building of the 2600's and God called his Angel "The Bringer of Light" to his side and spoke unto him. "I am in the midst of creating football games and wish not to be disturbed. Go thou and tend to those Marines and their problems. And Lucifer said, "Aye, aye sir" and departed from heaven to earth.

Back to top


Priceless

This afternoon I decided to go to a local restaurant in uniform because I had to hurry back to assume Staff Duty. Arrogant and selfish are the words that came to mind as I noticed a Black Mercedes taking up two parking spaces at Boston Market restaurant.

After entering the restaurant, I noticed a gentlemen kept focusing on me. As I paid for my meal the gentlemen began to approach me. It did not take long for me to recognize him as none other that former heavyweight champion Riddick Bowe. He started a conversation with me asking the same questions you might expect from an curious, impressionable teenager; how long had I been in, my title, did I like the Marine Corps (you know the answer was a resounding yes). After shaking his hands and departing I could not help but feel that he was more impressed with me than I was with him. Upon passing by the Black Mercedes on my way out, I thought; "nice Mercedes"!

cost of chicken dinner with four sides: $9.20

cost of the Black Mercedes: more than $60,000.00

feeling of knowing not everyone can be a Marine: PRICELESS

Back to top


The Middle of the Night

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."


Back to top


The Differences Between the Services

A General decided to find out why the services have trouble communicating with each other so he gathered together a Navy Lieutenant and Captains from the Army, Marine Corps, and Air Force.

He begins by saying that their first project task is to "secure" the building before them, and asks each of them to go home and prepare a list of steps for the project management plan and bring them to the meeting the next morning.

The Navy Lieutenant calls his Master Chief and says:
- Tell the Sailors to:
- Unplug the coffeepots
- Turn off the computers
- Turn out the lights
- Lock the doors and leave the building unoccupied

The Army Captain has his list in his notepad:
- Assemble the company
- Appoint guard mount and Sergeant of the Guard
- Take control of all exits
- Make sure no one gets into the building without a pass

The Marine Corps Captain writes down his steps on palm of his hand:
- Assemble the platoon and supplies
- Approach the building along three axes
- Bring the building under mortar and SAW fire
- Assault the building under covering fire
- Sequester prisoners
- Establish lanes of fire
- Prepare artillery calls
- Repel counterattacks

The Air Force Captain types his list into his laptop:
- Contact real estate agent
- Negotiate 1-year lease
- Be sure to get option to buy


Back to top


SGLI

The Gunny was assigned to the MCRD where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before the Captain noticed that the Gunny had a 100% record for the maximum insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to the Gunny's sales pitch. He explained the basics of SGLI to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Back to top


Military - 1945 vs 1999

  1. 1945 - NCOs had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
    1999 - everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.
  2. 1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
    1999 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.
  3. 1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
    1999 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.
  4. 1945 - if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
    1999 - if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career.
  5. 1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
    1999 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.
  6. 1945 - officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect.
    1999 - officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie.
  7. 1945 - they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
    1999 - they collect your pee and analyze it.
  8. 1945 - if you didn't act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up.
    1999 - if you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.
  9. 1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
    1999 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.
  10. 1945 - you slept in barracks like a soldier.
    1999 - you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid.
  11. 1945 - you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted.
    1999 - you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much.
  12. 1945 - we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
    1999 - we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia.
  13. 1945 - if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
    1999 - you go to the community center, and you can play pool.
  14. 1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers' Club.
    1999 - the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.
  15. 1945 - the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn't make much money.
    1999 - you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Walmart.
  16. 1945 - we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
    1999 - we are wearing the Nazi helmets.
  17. 1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
    1999 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.
  18. 1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
    1999 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.
  19. 1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
    1999 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
  20. 1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
    1999 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
  21. 1945 - we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.
    1999 - we don't know what we're fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called 'socialism').
  22. 1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
    1999 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

Back to top


The Few, The Proud, The Marines

(A Story of Creation)

In the beginning was the word, and the word was God. In the beginning was God, and all else was darkness and void, and without form. So God created the heavens and the Earth. He created the sun, and the moon, and the stars, so that light might pierce the darkness. The Earth God divided between the land and the sea, and these he filled with many assorted creatures.

And the dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the murky depths of the oceans, God called sailors. And he dressed them accordingly. They had little trousers that looked like bells at the bottom, and their shirts had cute little flaps on them to hide hickeys on their necks. He also gave them sideburns and long hair. God nicknamed them “squids” and banished them to a lifetime at sea, so that normal folk would not have to associate with them. To further identify these unloved creatures, he called them “petty” and “commodore” instead of titles worthy of red-blooded men.

And the flaky creatures of the land, God called soldiers. And with a twinkle in his eye, and a sense of humor that only he could have, God made their trousers too short and their covers too large. He also made their pockets too large, so that they might warm their hands. And to adorn their uniforms, God gave them badges in quantities that only a dime store owner could appreciate. And he gave them emblems and crests – and all sorts of shiny things that glittered – and devices that dangled. (When you are God you tend to get carried away in a big way)

On the 5th day, he thought about creating some air creatures for which he designed a Greyhound bus driver’s uniform, especially for flyboys. But he discarded the idea during the first week, and it was not until years later that some apostles resurrected this theme and established what we now know as the “wild blue yonder wonders.”

And on the 7th day, as you know, God rested. And on the 8th day, at 0730, God looked down upon the Earth and was not happy. God was not happy!

So he thought about his labors, and in his divine wisdom God created a divine creature. And this he called Marine. And these Marines, who God had created in his own image, were to be of the air and of the land and of the sea. And these he gave many wonderful uniforms. Some were green, some were blue with red trim. And in the early days, some were even a beautiful tan. He gave them practical fighting uniforms, so that they could wage war against the forces of Satan and evil. He gave them service uniforms for their daily work and training. And he gave them evening and dress uniforms – sharp and stylish, handsome things, so that they might promenade with their ladies on Saturday night and impress the shit out of everybody! He even gave them swords, so that people who were not impressed could be dealt with accordingly.

And at the end of the 8th day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that it was good. But was God happy? No! God was still not happy! Because in the course of his labors, he had forgotten one thing; he did not have a Marine uniform for himself! But he thought about it, and thought about it, and finally satisfied himself in knowing that, well – not everybody can be a MARINE!

Back to top

A Conversation Between Marines

(This is a true story.)

LCpl: "SSgt, is Top going to be at this meeting?"

SSgt: "No - why?"

LCpl: "Because the guy intimidates the hell out of me. He is leathered, his hair never grows, he smokes 10 packs of cigarettes a day and never coughs, he's never sick, and he knows everything. There is something not human about that."

Back to top


Bootcamp Standards

In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following standards for recruit training of all services:

HAIRCUTS:

Marines - heads will be shaved.

Army - flat tops for all recruits.

Navy - no haircut standard.

Air Force - complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.


TRAINING HOURS:

Marines - reveille at 0500, train until 2000.

Army - reveille at 0600, train until 1900.

Navy - rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch till 1300, train until 1600.

Air Force - rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.


MEALS:

Marines - Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

Army - one hot meal, 2 MRE's.

Navy - 3 hot meals.

Air Force - catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.


LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines - none.

Army - 4 hours a week.

Navy - 2 days a week.

Air Force - for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.


PROTOCOL:

Marines - will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).

Army - will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel "Sarge."

Navy - will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.

Air Force - all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.


DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines - medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.

Army - medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown, fitness test passed, and bed made.

Navy - will have ships' engineers make medals for them as needed.

Air Force - will be issued all medals since they will most likely be awarded them at some point in their careers.


CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines - work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

Army - will wear it anytime, anywhere.

Navy - will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to their sailors.

Air Force - will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue service chevrons, name tapes, and patches on them.


CAREER FIELDS:

Marines - All Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.

Army - It doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in the first enlistment anyway.

Navy - Nobody knows. The Navy is still trying to figure out what sailors in the ABH, SMC, BNC and BSN rates do anyway

Air Force - Every recruit will be trained in such a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

Back to top

At Home Submarine Simulation

Do it yourself guide to simulate submarine life at home.

  1. Lock yourself in your house with 150 people you don't like.
  2. Close all windows and doors tightly, close all curtains.
  3. Seal any openings to the outside world with a proper vault.
  4. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from news, football games, Saturday Night Live, etc.
  5. Monitor all operating home appliances hourly; if not in use, log as secure.
  6. If using bathroom, do not flush toilet for first two days to simulate smell of blowing sanitaries and venting inboard; then flush daily.
  7. Wear only approved FBM coveralls, or proper uniform, no hats, special t-shirts, etc.
  8. Get the paperboy to cut your hair once a week.
  9. Work in 18-hour intervals to insure your body really gets confused.
  10. Listen to the same cassette over and over until you can't stand it anymore; then put in one you can't listen to without nausea setting in.
  11. Set alarm to go off just as you fall asleep; set alarm at loud setting or buy a special alarm with various settings (i.e. "Man Battle Stations", "Fire", "Flooding in the Basement").
  12. Prepare food with a blindfold on to simulate what real submarine cooks do.
  13. Take blindfold off and try to get dog to eat it. Then break out a can of tuna and/or peanut butter.
  14. Cut your bed in thirds and enclose all but one side using the dimensions of a small casket as a reference. When not in bed make up blankets properly so no one will see or care.
  15. Periodically, for want of excitement, open main power breaker and run around yelling "Reactor Scram" until you are sweating profusely; then restore power.
  16. Buy a snorkel and mask and again, periodically, just for want of excitement, put them on and pretend you are in a smoke filled room with no way out. For added variety, hook up to a garden hose and pressurize.
  17. To enable yourself to handle anything, constantly study wiring diagrams and operating instructions for various home appliances (stove, refrigerator, can opener). For no reason at all, at specified intervals (monthly, weekly) tear one item apart, just in case it was going to break.
  18. Paint everything around you grey (Navy FSN Grey, no substitutes).
  19. To be sure you are living in a clean happy environment, every Friday set alarm on loud for a short, but hated, drill sound; then get up and manned only with a bucket, sponge and greeny, clean one area over and over, even if it is already spotless. Then make out discrepancy list.
  20. Once a day, after normal programming hours, plug in t.v. and watch one movie. Be careful that it is (a) at least 5 years old, (b) you have seen it at least once before or (c) so bad that you have to install a seat belt in you chair to keep you there until it is over.
  21. Since there is no doctor available, stockpile band-aids, asprin and actifed. These are proven cure-alls. Practice on your dog first aid, surgery, dentistry, death, etc.
  22. Set all clocks to Zulu time.
  23. Set hot water temperature to 120 degrees, set timer to go on and off every 2 hours.
  24. Wear the same shoes. Wear the same outer garment for 1 week at a stretch.
  25. Shower and change your skivies every 2 - 4 days.
  26. Start poker games at midnight.
  27. Refer to Kool-Aid as "bug" and meatballs as "Nairobi trail markers".
  28. Hook-up a fluorescent light under your coffee table so that you'll have a place to read.
  29. Run the lawnmower in your garage with the door closed to simulate snorkeling.
  30. Blacken the windows of your car, then sit behind the steering wheel for six hours at a time.
  31. Hang a red sign entitled "blowing sans" on the bathroom doorknob for 45 minutes every 12 hours. Do not allow anyone to use the bathroom during this time.
  32. When commencing this test simulation, lock your family, friends and everything else that means anything to you outside. Tests will run for at least 2 months with no end in sight.
If you can do this, you can survive a submarine patrol.

Back to top

Operation Order 12-98 For: Official Visit of Lieutenant General Claus

1. An official staff visit by LtGen Claus is expected at this base on 25 Dec. The following directives govern activities of all personnel during the visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes Officers, Warrant Officers, Staff Non-commissioned Officers, Noncommissioned Officers, and mice. Marines may obtain special stirring permits for necessary tasks through the Battalion S-1 Office (See Company Office for PAR).
b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap no later than 2200 hours, 24 Dec. Uniform for the nap will be: pajamas -- cotton, light-weight, general purpose, olive-green; and cap -- battle-dress, utilities, Woodland pattern. Equipment will be drawn from supply prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember that this is the "season of giving."
c. Personnel will utilize standard "T'-ration sugarplums for visions to dance in their heads. Sugarplums are available in "T'-ration sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced. "T'-ration sundry packs can be picked up at the Medina Dining Facility (MDFAC) from 0800-1800 24 Dec 98. The S-4 will coordinate the acquisition and distribution of the "T'-ration sugarplums and accompanying items.
d. Stockings -- wool, cushion sole, olive-green -- will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. Platoon commanders will submit stocking handling plans to the S-3T, Training Chief, prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All Platoon commanders will ensure their subordinate personnel attend mandatory stocking-hanging safety classes and are briefed on the safety aspects of stocking hanging by the Safety Officer. Stocking Safety will be taught 18 Dec 98 at 1900 in the conference room of Bldg 321. Stocking Licenses will be issued at that time. Stockings will be issued out of the pebble shack on a first come first serve basis from 1400 - 1600 on 19 December.
e. At first sound of clatter, all personnel will spring from their racks to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On order, Operations Plan (OPLAN) 7-98 (North Pole Contingency), para 6-8-A9(3), dated 4 Mar, this office, takes effect to facilitate shutter-tearing and sash-throwing. Platoon Commanders, Platoon Sergeants, and all Marines of the Guard will be familiar with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in the barracks prior to the start of official clatter.
f. Prior to 0001 hours, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be assigned "wondering eyeball" stations. The Sergeant of the Guard will ensure that these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and sashes are thrown.
g. The Company Training Chief, in coordination with the U.S. Transportation Command (CinC-Trans) and Motor T, will assign one each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24A3 and eight (8) reindeer, tiny, for use by LtGen Claus. The assigned driver must have a current sleigh operator's license with rooftop permit and evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his Department of Navy Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On, Dancer! On, Prancer!" etc.

2. LtGen Claus will initially enter Bldg 302 through the front entryway. All buildings without chimneys will requisition Chimney Simulator, M6A1, for use during the visit. Request chimney simulator on Department of Navy Form 2765-1, which will be submitted in four copies to the Company Gunnery Sergeant prior to 20 Dec. Personnel will ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!" or "Merry Christmas To All, and To All a Good Night!" This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of the Senior Enlisted Marine.

FOR THE COMMANDER (Signed)


Back to top

Murphy's Laws of Combat

Back to top

Your Family Might Be a Little Too Oorah if...

Back to top

Memorable Quotes actually seen in Fitness Reports

Back to top
Hosting by WebRing.