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I Like Monkeys

New State Mottoes for Year 2000

Having a Stressful Day?

Proverbs

Bumper Stickers

Got a Letter from Grandma

New Words for the 90's

Etch-a-Sketch

You Might be a Canadian if...

You Might be a New Yorker if...

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I Like Monkeys

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece. I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed.

They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died.

No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one (1) dead wet monkey in my toilet, two (2) dead frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven (197) dead charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, and the odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away, but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it, either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friendsdidn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

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New State Mottoes for Year 2000

  1. Alabama: Yes, we have electricity.
  2. Alaska: We also take American money.
  3. Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat.
  4. Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang.
  5. California: As Seen on TV.
  6. Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
  7. Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and with Less Character.
  8. Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water.
  9. Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids.
  10. Georgia: We Put the Fun in Fundamentalist Extremism.
  11. Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, but Leave Your Money.
  12. Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's. What More Could You Ask?
  13. Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
  14. Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free.
  15. Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn.
  16. Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Sheeet.
  17. Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.
  18. Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
  19. Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster.
  20. Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware.
  21. Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets).
  22. Michigan: First Line of Defense from the Canadians.
  23. Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes.
  24. Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State.
  25. Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work.
  26. Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.
  27. Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest.
  28. Nevada: Desert and Poker!
  29. New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone.
  30. New Jersey: You want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
  31. New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets.
  32. New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent.
  33. North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable.
  34. North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
  35. Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan.
  36. Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing.
  37. Oregon: Spotted Owl. It's What's for Dinner.
  38. Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal.
  39. Rhode Island: We're Not Really an Island.
  40. South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender.
  41. South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota.
  42. Tennessee: The Educashun State.
  43. Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English.)
  44. Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.
  45. Vermont: We're Just like New Hampshire, but upside down.
  46. Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
  47. Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
  48. West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
  49. Wisconsin: Come Cut the Cheese with Us!
  50. Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
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Having a Stressful Day?

When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this.

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweats and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that "every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested." Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."

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Proverbs

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Bumper Stickers


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Got a letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma

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New Words for the 90's

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Etch-a-Sketch

Management has defined a lower cost alternative for Windows 95-to-98 conversions that also addresses the Y2k issue:

The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Dec, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. Cost - for the price of one new PC, a whole department can be outfitted with top-of-the-line Etch-A-Sketch equipment.
2. No Y2K problems.
3. No network glitches keeping work from being done. SA staff can be eliminated and replaced by the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk recorded message, shown below.
4. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Automated Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk recording:

Welcome to the Help Desk. For your convenience, here are the answers to Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

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You Might be a Canadian if you can answer "Yes" to two or more of the following:

(Given to me by my Canadian buddy Bill Laidlaw)

  1. You know all the words to “If I Had a Million Dollars” by the Barenaked Ladies.
  2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children or the elderly."
  3. You feel that getting dressed up means putting on your best flannel lumberjack shirt.
  4. You can't get enough of Don Cherry on Coach's Corner.
  5. You think it is normal to have a grain elevator in your back yard.
  6. You wonder why there isn't a $5 coin.
  7. You watch MTV constantly in hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of "The Tragically Hip."
  8. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me."
  9. You can sing "O Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
  10. You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favor of monarchist rule.
  11. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the "Hinterland Who's Who" spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
  12. Your graduation formal dress/tuxedo was made of flannel.
  13. Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
  14. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing "u's" from the misspelled words like labor, honor, and color.
  15. You know the French equivalents for the words "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
  16. You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's “Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do.”
  17. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada and make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
  18. You think -10 degrees Celsius is mild weather.
  19. You automatically read "Z" as "Zed" and don't care that it doesn't rhyme with "Now I know my ABC's."
  20. You say, "Sorry, eh." when someone steps on your foot.
  21. You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
  22. You know that the "Extra Creamy" in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner means "Add more milk".
  23. You substitute beer for water when cooking.
  24. You get stopped at least once a week by the Military Police to turn your headlights off when you drive through the base gate in the morning.
  25. Your uniform is issued with shorts and knee socks.
  26. You only own three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
  27. You design Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
  28. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
  29. You have ten favorite recipes for moose meat.
  30. You thought “Grumpy Old Men” was a documentary.
  31. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
  32. You’ve taken your kids out trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
  33. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  34. You think everyone from the city talks with an accent.
  35. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.
  36. You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
  37. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
  38. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
  39. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
  40. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
  41. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
  42. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
  43. You can play road hockey on skates.
  44. You know the four seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.


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You Might be a New Yorker if...

  1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
  2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  4. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.
  5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  6. Your door has more than three locks.
  7. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
  8. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
  9. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
  10. You think Central Park is "nature."
  11. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
  12. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it's a "steal."
  13. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.
  14. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky.
  15. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.
  16. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
  17. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977, and when you did, it terrified you.
  18. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
  19. You take fashion seriously.
  20. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
  21. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
  22. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
  23. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
  24. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
  25. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
  26. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.
  27. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
  28. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
  29. You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
  30. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
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