Off the Menu - 05/14/01

Let me say, the reason why I did not immediately put up a review for this episode is because the writers obviously don't care anymore, so why should I? Here are a few speculations and comments though:

The scene with the sweater was just unnecessary and disgusting, and was only there so that we could see that Tess realized that buying stuff for Max wasn't going to make him love her. "I'll just give it to Kyle". Well that just confirms that she was using Kyle to get Max jealous all along, doesn't it? The Lamptrimmers can suck me.

OK, I loved the shot of Tess after Max totally nixed Brody's description of the Zan/Ava meeting on the home planet. It was the total "Oh my god, I'm going to have to implant these memories in Max's head to make him believe me" shot. The question is, how did Brody have those memories? Did Tess mindwarp him too? And if so, how could she have done that if they were supposed to be without their powers?

And did anyone else think it was weird that he kept referring to Tess as either "Tess" or "her" and never "Ava"? Hmmmm.... I think that's the biggest proof of a mindwarp right there.

Oh, and I’ll also share my theory on how they got all those wonderful Tess scenes in this ep. After days of takes of Emilie saying lines as full of inflection as her "Oh my god" in Baby It's You, the directors decided to give the gerbil a big wheel of cheese and bags of bananas and potatoes and told her if she wanted to keep the job she had to eat the whole thing in an hour. After she was done they locked every bathroom in a 5 mile radius and then made Tess reshoot the whole scene. She looked like she was taking a really painful shit the whole time. And they actually *imported* this girl from down under???

Other thoughts:

- Did Max ever heal Sean? If not, was it just not that bad a wound?
- Did Tess mindwarp Sean? If not, won't he wonder why Amy doesn't remember what happened?
- How did Brody have memories of Max and Tess doing the nasty? Was he in the audience or something?
- Why did Brody react so violently? He thinks Max is an abductee, so just because he remembers Max from his abduction, why would he think Max is an alien? Couldn't he just be another abductee?
- Why didn't Max tell Brody the truth? How about telling him that Brody is not an alien, because he totally isn't!

And the ATL Quote of the Week is:

I'm sorry, but I absolutly hated last night's episode. Usually when things are bad, I'm able to just blame it all on Tess's mindwarping, but not even that could explain how terribly written last night's episode was.

There's something I do want to say though, even though I know I'm probably just being overly creative again. That scene where Liz came to ask Tess about her mindwarp powers was really strange. For one thing, we never found out why Liz was asking about that. Was Liz thinking of asking Tess to help them by mindwarping someone? Did she think someone had been mindwarped and just wanted to know how it worked? Or was she really suspecting that Tess had a hand in Alex's death? There was no explaination for it at all (other than a lame excuse to get Max, Liz, and Tess in a scene together). But here's my theory: Liz came to ask Tess about her powers. Tess got scared and instead of yelling at Liz herself, she conjured up a Max to do it for her (i.e., maybe Max wasn't really there at all, or maybe he was but he was behaving as per her command). She even conjured up Kyle at the appropriate moment to provide an alibi for her whereabouts the night Alex died.

I know that sounded a leetle bit crazy, but I do want believe that Tess has been using her powers a lot in all this mess. "Nasedo said alien babies take a month to gestate" or whatever? Oh please! I love these random facts that Tess knows! Her "Oh my god" when she "realized" she was pregnant was possibly the most poorly delivered line all season. It was not a "Oh my god, I'm pregnant." It was more of an "Oh my god, we have the same binder." Or perhaps an "Oh my god, I just had the greatest idea. I can make Max think I'm preggers!"

Speaking of awful scenes, the bridge scene with Isabel and Max felt like I was watching a 6th grade play of Our Town. What did the guinea pig have to do with anything? And how about Michael just randomly showing up? Or Max being able to read the whole translation in 2 seconds? Cause all I saw was "You are the Royal Four, Zan the king, Ava the Queen." I suppose that whole thing will be up on silverhandprint soon enough if not already.

But there was one thing that WAS good about this ep -- well two things. One, Kyle. The guy is wonderful, all the time. The blanket scene was just too, too cute. And number two - the flashback to Michael from last season! (Yes, back when Roswell was magical and not this schlocky crap!) That's what the book really says - Michael, cut your hair!

It's Too Late, and It's Too Bad - 04/30/01
(Ironically titled, being that it's taken me six days to post this. I just started a new job and haven't had the time.)

Okay, here's a few of my frenzied notes:

-- Look, even Maria's tired of these blackboard sequences. One thing I did like though:
Liz: I know what I know, and I am gonna find out the truth
Maria: And believe me, she will.
Because Maria just KNOWS. She's the smart one!

-- Look, Tess deals with all the tension and sadness in the group by holding late night foot massage - I mean STUDY sessions. :-P

-- Do you love how Tess is sort of hovering in the background and not talking to anyone but Max? Andrea brought up something interesting - that the others don't even talk to her. Maybe Tess is a figment of Max's imagination! Fight Club anyone?

-- Where's Kyle?

-- Michael, this is your cue to kiss Maria. Like in Riverdog. You need to calm her down! Oh yeah I forgot, no passionate alien/human kisses this season or they kill you off. My bad.

-- Tess's hand on Max's back as they walked away - propping him up like the puppet he is. He can't even stand on his own anymore, she's got him so f*cked up.

-- By the way, Isabel, getting on a waiting list is NOT cause for congratulations. Those are for when you actually get in, which you won't because that's the only thing that will keep you from going.

-- I thought Max and Michael were going to throw down in that scene. Kinda wanted them to, too.

-- Ok, favorite scene by far - Max and Isabel in the hallway. Isabel, you are such a bitchass. And Max is totally out of his gourd, for anyone who didn't pick up on it already.

So yeah. I like bitchass Liz. And bitchass Isabel. I even like crazy mindwarped Max. I mean he's fun to watch. I like when everyone gets upset. I even liked the way they did the ending - I mean if Max had to get it on with skankbreath, I liked the song they played and that they interspersed with Liz - like the REAL Max was still in love with Liz, and the REAL Liz was still in love with Max. And when they drive Tess's ass out of Roswell, let ME cast the first stone. And the second. And the third. And... well you get the drift.

Cry Your Name 04/23/01

Today I'll let Denise write the episode review:

"Can i just say one thing? I hate her. I hate her with a white hot burning passion which is only rivaled for my hatred of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Where does Tess get off being all sad over Alex, oh, I'm sorry "Al" as she liked to call him. She didn't even know him. She is just using this as a chance to get in good with Max. 'Look, look, a human died and I'm upset, that means that you should have sex with me.'

Line of the episode again goes to Maria, 'You don't know what the hell you're talking about.' That's right, cause she's evil we shall soon see that. Next best thing in the episode was Kyle, he seemed to be one of the few characters that remembered that this episode was all about Alex. Liz pissed me off a bit when she and Max were talking about Alex and then she veered off into Tess country. I know that she was freaked out, but still.

I must admit that the second dream sequence with Is and Alex got to me. When he said the part about 'I think we both know that I loved you too' Argh, so sad.

And I must say, that I liked all of the yelling at the end. finally, these characters let some emotion through. I like that there is a division now, I think that it should make the next few weeks interesting.

What else?

So, how long do we think Michael is going to be nice for?

And Tess, gods I hate her.

And Maria with the point that these people didn't care about Alex when he was alive so why were they upset now? She should have looked at the gerbil when she said that.

Oh, and could Max have been more over the line when he implied that the isabel's decision to leave is a group decision. It is HER life.

I really like that Liz is digging into it. And the breakdown at the end. I'm done now.

I hate Tess."

Good, Denise. That's why we're all here. :-)

Usually I have so much to say about episodes, but Denise said exactly what I was thinking. I am just a bit more annoyed at Liz than she is. It pissed me off when they were talking about Alex and then she said "I know you kissed Tess and I'm okay with it". If you're really okay with it, Liz, why did you feel the need to get the hell out of there as soon as you said that? And why have you been treating Max like the enemy? I thought her alien fault theory was kinda based on nothing but when Tess opened her fat trap I wish someone had stuck a rock in it. I even missed out on a few lines I was yelling at Tess so much in this episode. Her and her "oh I'm so upset" expressions. The nerve of her! She never cared about Alex! She got in the way of him and Isabel several times, then she had that brilliant idea to suck all the oxygen out of his cave in HTOHL. Frankly I think she had some nerve showing up at the funeral at all. And next week, don't even get me STARTED... All I have to say is that if Tess gets outed as evil at the end of all this,

Heart of Mine 04/16/01

"I see you. You're swimming on your back. The water's much...thicker than the water here on earth. Heavier. It's not quite liquid, but not quite solid. As you swim through it, the water reforms around your body and it feels like you're swimming in..."

Shit, Max. You're swimming in a river of Tess's bullshit. TAKE A DEEP BREATH, MAN!!!! Get a whiff of that stuff! Because I can smell it from here and BOY does it ever stink.

And Kyle, don't even get me started on that poor poor bastard. What a sweetheart. But honey, you don't know Tess for a second. If he could have only seen what I bet she was writing when he walked in... I bet it was all about Max and how happy she is that he's buying everything she's been feeding him.

I know lots of people are going to write huge diatribes commenting on every shot of this very painful episode, so I thought I'd just share that thought with you. I'm sure more will come out as the week goes on. This page is much like therapy for me. Roswell therapy. And man are we all gonna need some.

I'd like to address a recent entry made to the guestbook, by a fellow named Mike. Here's what Mike has to say:

"Obviously tess didnt make the image of the aliens' mother appear in destiny, because at the end of the message that beep thing started happening, making it a real message that led the skins to roswell. tess wouldnt have done that if she was only making them see something. also, everything that the message said turned out to be true anyway, so why would she have had to lie??? Tess is ok if you give her a chance."

OK, Mike. Did it occur to you, maybe, that the communicator DID in fact go off, and that it DID in fact alert all the EVIL aliens around the world, but that Tess made them see the mother message in order to cloak what she was really doing? Apparently it didn't. Remember the part with the evil aliens being alerted, boyo? I suspect that that was no accident. Now, everything the Holo-mom said turned about to be true -- or, to be more specific, it is being confirmed by the Skins and the Dupes - all of whom are EVIL. How do you know they aren't working with Tess? How do you know Tess hasn't been infiltrating the GOOD aliens all along? "So why would she have to lie?" you ask. Um, only because she stands to win a position of major power back on the home planet if everything goes her way. Finally, you say, "Tess is okay if you give her a chance." Tess is okay if you stick your head down deep in the sand and let her mindwarp you into thinking she's all cuteness and bubbles. I'm afraid you missed the point of this site, kiddo. DON'T BE FOOLED!

Viva Las Vegas - 02/26/01

My feelings about this ep are mixed. I'll break it down like this.

Reasons I liked it:
- Maria ran the show: the beginning, while kind of random, was really cool. I know that Maria is the one member of the crew who can sort everything out and fix everything if they would just listen to her!
- Maria sang. Twice! How long will it take for those mp3s to come out?
- I'm usually more Fehrian than Behrian, but I wanted to teethe on Max big time in this episode. And the scene with he and Liz dancing was the first one all season that really woke up the atrophying Dreamgirl in me!
- Liz finally woke up and remembered that she and Tess are mortal enemies. And there was no BS reconciliation scene, thank goodness. I was so sick of seeing them touching each other.

Reasons I didn't:
- Why was Michael being such a jerk? Jerk barely even covers the way he was acting. And it seemed totally unprovoked too - especially his behaviour towards Maria. It was just so so very wrong, it was what got in the way the most of my really enjoying this episode.
- All the disgusting Tess squealing... UGH. And this whole Kyle and Tess thing is just too sour for me to swallow. Can't he hook up with someone else? Like, I don't know... someone with a soul?

How the Other Half Lives 02-19-01

Gape in disgust as Liz and Tess hug! Laugh as Tess struggles to properly pronounce Laurie's name! Wonder why Kyle and Alex decided to go down into the Gandarium cave in the first place! (Think Kyle is spending a little too much time with Miss Mindless?) Or just dance with us at Tess's overall lack of screen time during these wonderful Hybrid Chronicles!

From Kerry:

The only acceptable way of hugging Tess, would be like so:
- Gingerly place arms around waist, wait for bomb to explode.
- Breath a sigh of relief when it doesn't, prepare for next move.
- While Tess is distracted merely by thinking, silently withdraw knife from pocket.
- Smile evilly as you thrust knife within ribcage.
- Step back quickly (as you do not want to get your clothes all bloody) and survey damage. Smile with satisfaction and link arms with Max.
- Trot off into the sunset, knowing that you have just done a job well done!

Is it just me, or was that a REALLY good episode? I mean I feel for the first time that they actually made good on their promise to mix sci-fi and relationships. And everyone was in it too! Well practically everyone. The Evans were at least asked for. And possibly best of all, Tess was hardly in it at all. Isn't it weird how she's suddenly playing the role of the "human"? I love how the other three of them don't consult with her on anything. No, I mean I really really love it. I felt so bad for Kyle. He has no one to turn to but Ms. Genius. "It looks like you're building something!" Oh Tess, you make me laugh. You make me laugh so very much. If you can't just die or go back to your home planet, I will settle for you having one line in every episode that makes you look like the dumbass you are.

To Serve and to Protect 01-22-01

I have to say, I really liked this episode, even though Tess was in it. Kyle is cute enough so that I can successfully ignore her in every scene they have together! But you be careful there, Kyle - if you want to win Tessie's heart, go easy on the big words.

Kyle: "One minute I'm a normal guy, with my whole life ahead of me, and then Max Evans transmogrifies me into something... not of this earth."
Tess: "Wh-wh-wh... Trans what?"

12/18/00 - A Roswell Christmas Carol

"Maybe there is someone, or something out there that’s planning all of this. And maybe you have to respect it."

Yes, folks, having faith in Darth is hard when we get You-WILL-Like-Tess shoved down our throats week after week. You can hold up all the swaying watches you want, Darth – she still ain’t fooled me! Any girl who sits blocking the TV like that is not one who should be suffered to live.

And Emilie, Emilie… I can hear your accent. … Please stop shouting.

Kyle snap out of it! Earth to Kyle? No… stop looking at it. IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! It doesn’t want you! It’s eeevil… Oh Darth! I want to believe in you, really I do! Please just don’t sacrifice Kyle to the Peroxide Beast!

OK guys… please don’t misunderstand me when I say what I'm about to say. I love Liz. I’m a bonafide Liz Parker Guardian Angel, but… she’s just being weird. I can’t place it… I don’t know. It’s not in every scene either. Does anyone know what I mean? She sure looks nice though. I didn’t like the way she was being in the Crashdown in that first scene for some reason, but I did really want to eat her off the screen in those other scenes. And I’m straight too.

And another thing – where did Maria have Christmas, if she wasn’t with her mother? I mean if I hadn’t been watching the show since mid-last season I don’t think I would even know that was supposed to be Maria’s mother!

******

Max in the City
11/28/00

Oops - did they say Max in the City. Because they should have said Tess in the City!!!!!!!!! That episode reinforced for me even more that the girl is 100% pure unadulterated FREAKIN EVIL. We now know that even Ava, the Dupe who is apparently closer to her former self, said that Zan didn't really love her, he was just waiting for someone better to come along. And then there's Tess, the bullshit fountain with diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to supposed past life memories. "I remember a life where you loved me", "You must have been a great husband".

Then Tess for the SECOND time so far this season gets hauled off and "abused" mysteriously by the enemy. Everything just happens so conveniently coincidentally to her OFF-SCREEN, doesn't it? I have to paraphrase my friend Denise here when I say that if Lonnie and Rath did try to get inside Tess' head, they must have walked around for 2 minutes before shooting themselves out of boredom. Or fainting from the peroxide fumes. Funny isn't it, how Tess doesn't remember or know anything important, she doesn't understand all these powers, after living her whole life with Nasedo and all of his delightful little tricks. But she conveniently recalls some great love Max had for her. Can we get something to wipe the camera lens, because right now it's covered in crap.

I know it's not my job to dole out cookies but I've got a few left over gummi savers around here somewhere...

One goes to Rath for implying the sexual nature of Tess and Nasedo's relationship. Now I know I said I was a Mirror-Cliffhanger meaning I liked Rath/Lonnie) last week but this week they really made me nauseous. But wait, maybe it was just the suggestion that Max and Tess did or should ever have sex. I'm still trying to erase that image from my mind. No gummi for Lonnie, for even mentioning such a horror. (On a side note, notice how strongly sex=evil in this show? The Evil Dupes have sex and suggest that Max and Tess should. [By the way how would they know that alien-alien sex is better than alien-human sex?] Max and Liz have sex only to eventually bring about the end of the world. Liz must convince Max that she had sex with Kyle to break his heart. Is 7th Heaven to blame for this?)

One for Maria because now she knows about Liz's secret and as always, is the key to everything being alright in Roswell-land. I was not happy with this ep. So very very not happy. I mean I was glad Liz told Maria and I understand she still had to make Max think she did the deed with Kyle, so I can't be mad at her for that but there was way too much Tess-evil to make up for anything good that happened in this episode. If they don't come clean about her soon I'm just gonnna... I mean I am at the point where I want that girl to be revealed as evil even more than I want to see M&L get together. Because we all know they're in love and they will eventually get together but the real question is whether Tess is the most horrendously excruciatingly badly written character in history and if the writers will give us the satisfaction of knowing that she is evil and has been from the beginning.

Join Pure Tess Haters
(this group is seperate from the ATL)

Return to main ATL page