Angel in Heaven
There's a special Angel in Heaven
that is a part of me.
It is not where I wanted her
but where God wanted her to be.
was here but just a moment
like a night time shooting star.
And though she is in Heaven
she isn't very far.
touched the heart of many
like only an Angel can do.
I would've held her every minute
if the end I only knew.
I send this special message
to the Heaven up above.
Please take care of my Angel
and send her all my love.
- Author unknown
Katarinas birth story
Well here it is the way it all began and to the present. November 18th was quite a day. First to start off with Lance and I stayed up to watch the meteor storm, which was very very pretty and very cool btw if you missed it. We sat there watching the meteor storm and ha ha we were talking about how we hope that our kids will be able to see this one-day. Lance and I don't have many touching conversations about our kids like this normally but it does happen on occasion lol. Well low and behold at 7:15am I heard a pop and then a little gush omg!! Here we go my water broke. I went to the bathroom to make sure it was what I thought it was and sure enough. I told Lance and he paniced. "That's NOT funny," he says to me LMAO I couldn't help it I laughed at him and told him that I WAS NOT trying to be funny. I told him to call the hospital and tell them that we were coming in...then he really panicked "WHAT"? he yells "I don't know what to tell them....oh dammit now I gotta go to the bathroom" I laughed so hard and every time I laughed it gushed more LOLOL sorry so graphic but it was quite comical considering the time factor. So here I am in a soaked nightgown and we are off and running to the hospital. Wouldn't you know we get stuck behind some yahoo in a pickup taking his sweet time on a country road. Now the speed limit on this road is 55 this idiot is doing 30 I kid you not. So we get to the hospital (obviously my contractions have increased and intensified at this point) I tell Lance to go get a nurse and tell her to bring a wheelchair. I was feeling some pressure and I didn't want the baby to drop out on her head if I were to attempt walking in by myself. The nurse comes out and wheels me up to labor and delivery and gets me all set up with an IV, puts me on the monitor, etc. Well they put me on pitocin to speed things up, since my water had broken and nothing was happening the risk of infection was great. I would not dialate past 2cm and since the baby would be 6 weeks early at this point and my water had broken and the baby was stressed we opted for a c-section. Very scary I might add for someone who has NEVER had an early baby let alone via c-section, but I didn't care the longer I laid there waiting for a major transition the more I was ready to start begging for a c-section. I just wanted her to be born and be born safe. I was completely terrified but hid it as best as I could so Lance wouldn't freak out and get any more scared than he already was.So after almost 7 hours of labor we went down for the c-section. Lance went completely white when they told him (he had just waken up cuz he didn't sleep at all the night before). It all happened so fast. I already had an oxygen mask, a catheter, and an IV going with saline and pitocin (they gave me all this fun stuff earlier) so we were set we went down and went in this smaller, white room with people everywhere it seemed (there were maybe 6 people in there but it seemed like a lot of people to me). I then got a spinal along with a cute little hat for my hair. My nerves were shot at this point thank god the doc and the nurses were very good about distracting me away from my nervousness. Lance came in shortly after I was all prepped and we were off to the races to bring my angel baby into the world and with any luck safely. Well I'm guessing here but like 7 minutes later I heard the sweetest sound of the whole experience and that was the cry of my sweet baby girl. She was perfect in everyway. She didn't need any oxygen or anything. I was so happy I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I hate to say it but I didn't shed a tear when my boys were born. I feel bad for this. Katarina weighed in at 5lbs 8oz and was 18 1/2" long. This was it our little family was now complete. A baby girl.....a sweet precious beautiful baby girl.
On Thursday, November 22nd we celebrated Thanksgiving with our new baby girl. Just a small gathering but special all the same. Katarina celebrated (well she slept mostly) this joyous holiday with her brothers, mommy, daddy, grandma, aunt and great-grandma (my grandma). My grandma was so taken with her. She held her a good majority of the time. Grandma was in complete awe over this precious preemie of ours. We took pictures of course and got the most precious pictures, pictures we have talked about and wanted for so long. One of the pictures that was taken was a family picture ( I have been after Lance for one of these for forever and a day lol) So we got it. The last family picture we had taken was when Vincent (our oldest) was a baby. So needless to say we needed an updated one. The other special picture we had taken was a four genereation picture. Great-Grandma, Grandma, Mommy and Katarina. The meal was excellent and God knows we had so much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. We were blessed with the presence of an angel
"The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring
Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of her name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul."
Sunday, November 25th was yet another Thanksgiving day for us. My Mother-inlaw had to work on Thanksgiving so we celebrated it a few days later with them. We had all noticed that Katarina was starting to look a bit jaundice however she was eating good and sleeping alot. This is normal for any baby especially a preemie. I had an appointment set up for her the following day so I wasn't to worried. We had also taken some pictures at my inlaws house of Katarina. How wonderful for her to be able to spend this holiday with her grandparents and uncle. Everyone was so happy and cheerful this holiday especially it seemed. She was definately the apple of everyones eye.
November 26th. Katarina had her one week appointment with her pediatrician
. Katarina weighed 4lbs 11oz now and had grown a bit taller to she was now
19" long. Her pediatrician was a little concerned about her weight so
she instructed me to give her the preemie formula with the preemie nipple
for a couple of days to see if she would put the weight back on. I had mentioned
to her ped that she was looking a bit jaundice and thought maybe we should
check her billirubin levels. We did this and we were sent home to wait for
the results. We came home and waited for the results and heard back in about
an hour or so. Upon talking with her peds nurse I was told that her levels
were on the high side at 14.75. I was told that if she looked anymore yellow
the following day to bring her in. We also talked about getting it set up
so she could be given the RSAV vaccine since preemies are very suseptable
to RSV. We discussed how the shot needed to be given in 5 doses and it was
$1000 a shot and that most insurance companies didn't liek to pay for it.
I didn't care and told them that yes I wanted Katarina to be given these shots.
All was fine that evening and she was doing very well on the formula, drinking
an ounce of formula and then breastfeeding afterwards. We got up on and off
throughout the night to feed her and then lay her back down to sleep.
On Tuesday morning, November 27th, our baby
girl was asleep in my arms when she was touched by the hands of God and gently
We had a very simple yet nice viewing and
service for immediate family only. Our Katarina is as much home with us now
as she can be. Since then as hard as it has been
our family goes on, trying to remember the significant days of her short life
hereon earth. Vincent is getting better although he still misses his baby sister.
One day Vincent even wanted to cuddle with Katarina. He did this when I was
pregnant with her. He'd crawl into my lap and fall asleep on my belly. Dalton
is constantly grabbing someones hand to lead them aimlessly around the house.
I think he is looking for her.We have good and bad days and good and bad moments.
I try to think of not only the significance of the days she was herebut also
the blessing we were given by conceiving her and getting to know her while she
was still in the womb but also that we were given a short time to see her in
her physical form. I know that she is still with us and though we have so many
things that we want to tell her and show her, etc. She already knows and is
watching over us with the Lord. It saddens me to think that Katarina is not
physically here anymore and it saddens me to know that there are many other
babies in heaven with her.However it brings a smile to my face kowing that we
are not alone just as our babies are not alone. We will see our sweet precious
babies again one day. I take comfort in knowing that.
Mourn For Me
Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side, each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star
on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach--
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;
the first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy,
Looking Down From Heaven
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