Monday, August 26...In just a few short weeks my son (Josh) will be heading off to basic training for the Army. I worry about him, about how the Army will treat him, about how he will do with all of the strictness there. I worry about the job he'll be doing and whether or not the President declares war on Iraq and if my son will be among the ones who go there. I know I worry a lot. But isn't that a mother's job? To worry about her kids?
...Andy is not doing anything to improve his life and that bothers me too. I wonder if I did a good enough job with him. I think I failed as a parent, was too lenient with him. I know that for a good portion of the last few years sicne he dropped out of school we were homeless and I was severely depressed. I know those things didn't help but I could have been better, could have pushed him more. I wonder what I did wrong.
Tuesday, September 24...Joshua leaves in 8 days for Boot Camp. I am starting to feel the pressure, and the worry is starting to set in. I am trying to just let it go. This is hard for me. Real hard. I know how my parents felt now when I left home...when all of their kids left home. This is tough. My kids have been my "everything" for so long. Now they probably both are leaving. I know Josh is, for sure. I don't know about Andy at this point. He has plans to go to Colorado with Dusty but Dusty's mom is putting barriers there for him. I just don't know. I kind of want to confront Donnalee on this but I also don't want to. I think the boys shoudl be able to make their own decisions about this. They are adults and she is really p'ing me off because she doesn't want Andy to move down there with Dusty. She has some major problems with our family and that really makes me madder. She is trying to control Dusty's life while he is in college and that is totally wrong. He is an adult and does not need Mommy controlling things for him.
Friday, September 27, 2002... Today started out kinda grumpy...well, I should say really bitchy. The only bright spot this morning was seeing Bruce at work. After the morning route I actually "attacked" the gossip lady at work (the one who is friends with Donnalee). I told her I am tired of all of her gossip and wish she would quit talking about me. Of course she denied talking about me. She said Mel (the owner) told her to quit so she has been trying to be good about it. Ok, I can buy that. But I still don't trust her. Anyway, she left the lounge and I was sitting there writing an incident report and Mark (supervisor) came in and I told him how hard it is for me to come to work every day when I am still owed the money. Of course, I said it all with an "edge" in my voice. Mark said he doesn't know anything about the money. I went in the bathroom, and came out and he was still there so I told him it wasn't personal and I have no ill feelings toward him and that he is actually the reason I still work there, and I have overheard others say the same thing...another driver was there and he agreed with me. I told him he is a very nice guy and we all really like him. Anyway, after all of that, I went out to my van and Diane (the gossip) was still there talking to another driver and I got in my car and started bawling. I really needed the cry and I found a tissue in my coat pocket so I sat there with that tissue over my face. Next thing I know Diane and Vicki are knocking on my car door and telling me to come out and get a hug. So I did that and I told Diane I was sorry for snapping at her today. I told them I was really nervous about Josh leaving and that I haven't had any anti-depressants for 4 days (ran out) so I am really feeling it. I have also not been sleeping well. Could be the lack of anti-depressants there too. She was okay with that. She just kept giving me hugs...she knew I needed them today.
Then I also made another call... this was weird of me to do... just read on... I used to have a very good friend named Kendall. She and I used to be roommies and her son (Seth) and Josh are 1/2 brothers (same dad). We had a BIG fight 8 years ago when she accused me of stealing some money from her (which I didn't) but I have missed her so much. She was like a sister to me. We were "best" friends from the time she was pregnant with Seth until 8 years ago. So I looked up her info online and got her phone number. I called her today. I was so afraid she would hang up on me, but she didn't. Wow! We talked for about 45 minutes and she told me she had forgiven me a long time ago and was wondering how I was too. I don't know if we will keep in touch but I gave her my phone number and she told me to call again, if I want to. So, maybe... Anyway, her son, Seth (19 yrs old) is also going in the Army!! What would be awesome is if he and Josh were in the same place. She said she would have Seth call Josh this week before he (Josh) leaves. Now wouldn't that be great if the boys kept in touch after this, even if Kendall and I don't. They have their father's blood to share anyway. I think Kendall and I will keep in touch but she said this call came as a shock to her and she needs to talk to her counselor. I will wait a week or so before I call her again. I really miss her and want to make amends with her and get our friendship back. I think about her all the time...really!!! I even have recurring dreams about her and that is what prompted me to look up her phone number. I actually was looking for an email addy but only found a phone number. The call I made really helped my spirits. I suppose had she hung up on me I would have been devistated but I would have known where I stood anyway.
Now I just need to try to make amends with Julie. That one is gonna be harder for me.
Wednesday, October 2, 2002...Well, today is the day Joshua leaves for boot camp. I am still not ready to let my son go, emotionally, but I know he's going to be in good hands and will be doing what he wants to do. He is grown up and it's his life. I know he will do well. I wrote him a letter that I want to tuck into his duffle bag for him to find and read later. I am going to work this AM and doing the morning run...then will take Josh to Rapid City, where he will go with his recruiter to Sioux Falls and then they will go to KY tomorrow. I asked him if he was nervous and he said no. I am nervous enough for the both of us, I guess.
On another note...Andy will not be moving out any time real soon, so I will still have one of the kids at home for a while. I guess the other two guys who Dusty will be sharing a place with don't want Andy moving in right now. That could change in the future, but for now he is not going to move down there. He will concentrate on getting a job here and getting his GED and his licence...right now he has his learner's permit. He is considering the Army but not yet. He said maybe he will work at one of the ski resorts for the winter and decide what to do after that. He'll be able to save some money and be able to move out in the spring. He said he already had been thinking about staying home til Yule anyway, so this is okay...a little disappointing, but he is okay with it.
Thursday, October 17, 2002...I have been contemplative and been thinking about my kids...they sure do grow up fast. It seems like just yesterday they were babies in my arms and here they are grown up men now. It just shocks me some days when I think about it. Here I have a soldier son and it seems like just yesterday my brother was giving him Army toys for his 3rd Christmas. I think that started him on the road to being a soldier. He has always liked Army toys and when he was a little boy said he wanted to be a soldier. Now he is. He used to talk about when he grew up and was in the Army he would be this or that. For a while he wanted to be an Army Medic, then an MP, now he's gonna be a Calvary Scout, a gunner, wow! Just when he did he decide to grow up? I turned around and there he was ... a grown up man. It's been 2 weeks and a day since he left. I sure do miss him...his jokes, his wisdom, his cooking! My baby is grown up. I will get to see him for the Holidays this year ad that makes me extremely happy. I guess FortKnox shuts down for 2 weeks during the holidays eason so Josh will be hoem then! Yippee!!
Of course I still have Andy here at home. He'll be here for another 6 months anyway, til we move to Colorado. He, too, is a man. He will be voting on his first ever election in a few weeks. He is totally excited about that...made sure he was registered and all! Andy is harder to cook for and honestly he is a lot lazier than Josh and that is hard for me to adjust to. I mean, I always knew he was but Josh kept after him about doing stuff and it is just harder now. Plus Andy has a very narrow palate of taste preferences and that is making it hard for me to cook something we both like. With Josh here he would fix what he wanted and Andy usually would eat some of it...now it's like "You know I don't like that and won't eat it, so why did you buy it?" This is more difficult than I could imagine. I asked him yesterday what does he want me to buy for food and he said "What did we eat when Josh was home?" But, when I suggest something we ate when Josh was home he just tells me he doesn't want it. So, I have decided to fix what I want and if he doesn't want it he can make a sandwich or a salad or have a bowl of cereal ...whatever. He COULD actually do the cooking, but that is a laugh in itself. Josh learned how to cook out of necessity because I was working so much and someone had to fix meals. Andy just cruises along on the waves. I understand Dusty is the same way. Maybe it's good they are not sharing a place. LOL