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A Letter to my Dad

Dear Dad,

One of the things I can remember most about you, Dad, is the coffee. Every morning, I woke to the smell of freshly brewed coffee in Mom's old perculator and the pop-pop-popping sound of it as it brewed. It was a good memory. Sometimes as I sit here with a cup of coffee in my hands I remember how much you liked your coffee, unadulterated by cream or sugar, as black as the night.

I can remember how early you had to get up in the morning to take care of your brood. I saw how you sacrificed your family time just to provide for the whole bunch. You tried to make up for it, though, when Saturday or Sunday came around, or our yearly vacations. I always looked forward to you making waffles or pancakes on the weekends. Those were the best! Mmmm! I can taste them as I am writing this. How I wish I could have one more of your waffles. I have your old waffle maker but my waffles just don't taste the same, somehow. One of the other things I remember is how we would make ice cream in the summer when it was sooo hot out. We all took turns cranking that old ice cream maker. But the end result was reward for all our hard work. Dad, you also made the best steaks or burgers on the grill. I don't think I could ever reproduce those. See? I do have pleasant memories of you Dad.

Dad, I know I haven't been what you expected in a daughter. I left your religion on your doorstep. I hope you understand why. I could never live that life for my whole life. As I reflect on it, I know that I tried for a while, but could never put my heart back into it. I did my search of the scriptures but came up with different conclusions than your religious leaders did. You see, Dad, I can't follow blindly. I have an inquisitive mind, one that you fostered in me. I have to know the how and why of things. So, as I began to delve into religion and its many implications, and the different religious groups out there, I began to see the light, so to speak. I started to inquire of the religious leaders, finding out the hows and whys of each religion. But when I went to the leaders in your religion, they said it was not intended for us to know certain things. Why? You see, I need those answers. I can't follow blindly, like a sheep being led to pasture. I do keep my God and my Goddesses in my heart and I pray on a regular basis.

When your religion said you were not allowed to talk to your children if they weren't believers I knew it could not be my religion. I have children whom I love unconditionally. How can I turn my back on them? Why would I ever want to do that...alienate my child/ren because they chose another religion. Wouldn't that make the alienation more severe? As it did with us? When I seriously thought of coming back to the religion you and mom weren't allowed to talk to me until I was reinstated as a member. How could I be encouraged by you to come back if you weren't allowed to speak to me? I have never understood that.

You have lost out on some wonderful grandkids over the years. Not just mine...but Tim's, Russ's, Randy's and Pam's, too. That is 20 kids who you never got to know...all because of religion. I feel sorry for you because you missed all of them. And I feel sorry for them because they missed out on knowing a great man. They missed out on the tripoly games, the liverpool rummy games, the home movies you always loved to show and were so proud of, your jokes and the 'magic tricks' you loved to do. I am so sorry, Dad, that we couldn't see eye to eye while you were here on this earth. I hope we can make up for it in the next life. Yes, Dad, I believe that I will see you again, in a better place.

I DO LOVE YOU DAD! I always will hold you close to my heart. You have a special place there.

Your loving daughter, Sande