Pregnancy
Diary
SEPTEMBER
2001 - COUNTING
DOWN THE DAYS
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Sept 6th (39 Weeks - 3 Days)
I have come to the conclusion that late pregnancy is a lesson in
patience. Definitely not a virtue I have ever possessed, yet one I suppose
I should learn now that I am about to become a mother.
I want to go into labour so badly, and am so eager to meet my precious baby, that it is difficult to keep reminding myself that my body knows what it is doing. Logically I know that things will happen in their own good time, but it is so hard to remember that throughout the day. I feel like a child waiting for Christmas, it seems almost as if the day I am so anxiously awaiting will never arrive.
This waiting will be a life lesson, from now on I will no longer be living on my own schedule. Instead of doing things when I want or feel, I will be living on my baby's schedule, not my own. From now on, the rhythm and pattern of my days will be determined by the needs of my child - and this is how it should be. This is one event I have no power to control, manipulate or otherwise effect. Regardless of what I do things will happen when they should happen, and not before. It is a humbling and difficult lesson to learn.
I do need to trust in my body to know when the time is right. I need to surrender to the process, and believe that nature knows what it is doing.
Sept 7th (39 Weeks - 4 Days)
Pam came for a home visit today and arrived with some bad news. Karen's
oldest son was brought to the hospital and they suspected he had contracted
viral meningitis. Thankfully he is improving and will be okay - but with a
two week incubation period Karen will not be able to be with us at the
birth. Of course the most important thing is that Karen's son
continues to recover, but we are still very disappointed about not having her
with us. She is such an amazing person and brings such a great energy to
all our visits. I am quite sad that in all likelihood she won't be by my
side when I give birth.
Another local midwife named Kelly will be available to back up Pam and can be present at the birth if we would like. We will get to meet her at our appointment next week to decide, but Sam and I have discussed it and feel that we would prefer to have three people available instead of just two. It will be a little strange because we have never met her, but Pam really likes working with her, so I am sure we will like her as well.
The appointment went well, it is so nice having Pam come to my house. Even the puppies did well, although they were quite intrigued with Pam's bag and all the equipment inside. I really hope they do well at the birth. Maggie was definitely bothered by the Doppler, as soon as it was turned on she went crazy barking and jumping. Pam explained that since the Doppler uses sound waves, in all likelihood Maggie could hear something that is not audible to humans. Curiously, Sadie didn't seem affected by the sound at all. I guess we just have to make sure Maggie is not in the room when we check the baby's heart rate at the birth.
My blood pressure was 116/58 and the baby's heart rate varied between 144 and 156. My fundal height measured 37 and Pam is quite happy that the baby is still growing well. She estimates 8-8.5 lbs at birth, I certainly hope no bigger than that! Pam says home birth babies often weigh more than hospital babies because midwives spend so much more time on nutritional counseling and are not as apt to restrict weight gain, according to her nine pounds or more is not unusual!
Baby LeBlanc's head has moved even further down in my pelvis, Pam said she could barely move it back and forth when palpating my abdomen, a very good sign that things are progressing well in preparation for delivery. I have frequent sharp pains now as the baby's head presses against my pelvic floor, normal at the end of pregnancy but very painful nonetheless.
We made an appointment for next
Wednesday, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that we don't need it!
Sept 10th (40 Weeks!!!)
Okay, this is it - I have reached my
estimated due date, and have a feeling it will go past without any sign of Baby
LeBlanc. It is amazing how much significance we place on this date - which
is really nothing more than an estimate based on the pregnancy length of
hundreds of thousands of women. In fact, the books will tell you that
anything up to 42 weeks of pregnancy is normal, especially for a first time
mother. Still, once you hear that magical date all the other facts leave
your mind and you really do spend nine months assuming that your baby will
arrive on or before that magical date on the calendar.
I am trying (and sometimes failing) to be patient. I know the baby will come when the time is right, when my body is ready and when the baby is 'cooked', but it is not always easy to be mindful to these truths. Especially when I feel like a beached whale, I can't sleep and all my joints hurt (oh the myriad complaints of late pregnancy, I have to feel bad for Sam sometimes for having to put up with me). It is amazing how long 24 hours can seem when you are just sitting and waiting for your uterus to contract!
My parents arrive tomorrow night and, assuming I don't go into labour today or tomorrow, at least my mother will get her wish and get to see me pregnant. Maybe Baby LeBlanc has just decided to wait for Grandma and Grandpa to arrive, he or she is looking for a welcoming committee!
Sept 11th (40 Weeks - 1 Day)
Today's tragedy has me absolutely stunned. Yesterday all I could think
about is when my baby would arrive, I was so impatient. Today I just feel
like keeping the baby safe inside me, the world seems like a crazy and unsafe
place to bring a child into. Yesterday I wanted so badly to go into
labour, now I am praying that I do not - this is not a day I would choose for my
baby's birthday.
This has hit me very hard, my parents and sister were due to leave Connecticut today to fly to Phoenix. Thank heavens they were not scheduled on an early morning flight and are still staying with relatives instead of being grounded in some other part of the US. Just the thought that they were supposed to be flying today terrifies me, and I am so grateful that they are safe and sound. I cannot help but think of all the people whose families will never be complete again, and I thank God that everyone I know and love is alright.
Like millions of people around the world, I watched this play out in front of me on the television. I was glued there all day, seeing unspeakable tragedy unfold before my eyes. The horror is unimaginable, and the world today seems a different place to me than it did yesterday. I feel, like I am sure so many people do, that a part of my idealism has been lost forever. Tonight Sam and I just feel so emotionally drained, I simply cannot believe that this has happened. My perspective of the world has been forever altered, and I think it will take some time to regain a positive outlook. My thoughts and prayers are with all that have lost their lives, family members or friends today.
My Baby,
I have been able to shelter you inside me for nine months now and soon I must relinquish
you to the world.
Know that I will forever strive to keep you safe and protected. There will be times in your life when a mother's love, no matter how fierce, cannot shield you from pain. During those times I will be there to hold you in my arms, to comfort you and to dry your tears.
I will do my best to instill in you the belief that the world is a good place, and that the people of the world are good people and that kindness and generosity can heal many wounds.
I will safeguard the innocence of your childhood as long as I can, but when something happens to threaten that innocence I will do my best to help you understand that when bad things happen we must be strong and do what we can to help those in need.
I will tell you that in the face of a tragedy it is alright to feel weak and afraid, that you can always lean on me for strength, and that courage comes from the inside.
Most of all I will love
you, unconditionally and eternally.
Your Mother
September 12th (40
Weeks - 2 Days)
Today I had my weekly appointment with Pam. We were able to meet
Kelly, the midwife that will help Pam during Karen's absence. She seemed
very nice and although we will really miss Karen's presence it will give me
peace of mind to know that a third person is available to help and support us
throughout the labour and birth. If this baby decides he or she does not
feel like entering the world before September 18th then we might be in luck, as
that is when Karen will be outside of the incubation window. The test
results are not actually in yet to confirm meningitis, but most importantly
Karen's son continues to improve and should leave the hospital soon.
Pam and Robin both agree that I now have 'The Look'. When pressed as to what exactly that means they were a little vague, but from what I can gather it is a look of calmness and readiness that a woman who is very near labour tends to get. Try as I might I could not get anything more specific than that from them, so as unscientific as it sounds, I will just have to accept their pronouncement and hope they are right. I guess they have been in the presence of enough women whose labour is imminent to know what to look for!
My blood pressure was 122/64, my fundal height is still measuring 37 and the baby's heart rate was 152 once again. Pam asked if I was feeling lots of pelvic pressure (a definite YES from me in response to that question!) as the baby's head was very far down in my pelvis. Often any movement I make sends sharp, painful shock waves down through my pelvic floor. At this time the baby is still in a very good position for birth, with his or her back toward my right side, legs curved down and little feet toward the left. Speaking of those little feet, they have caused me no end of discomfort lately. Either they are sticking straight out my side so that I can almost grab and hold them, or baby props them up on my ribs like a footstool, pushing in with all the might those little feet possess. Not comfy at all, let me assure you! Baby LeBlanc, I sure hope you appreciate all your mother is enduring for you, my body feels like it will never recover! Thank heavens I have this journal in which to vent my innumerable complaints, otherwise I really would drive Sam crazy!
All in all though, I know I should not complain. My pregnancy experience has been an overwhelmingly positive and fulfilling time in my life. I hear some stories of late pregnancy that let me know that a great percentage of women have things much worse than I do, but it is nice to be able to talk about the physical and emotional changes and stresses I am undergoing. Actually I think I have been feeling much better lately than I was near the end of last month. At least mentally I am not so anxious anymore. I have felt a certain sense of peace and tranquility settle over me during the past few days and am more able to relax and trust in this great miracle to finish unfolding the way that it is meant to. Serenity is a great gift, I hope it will stay with me as I experience labour and birth.
September 15th (40
Weeks - 5 Days)
5 Days overdue - and everyone thought I would deliver early! No sign
of anything yet, Sam and I are convinced it is not likely to happen before late
this week.
My family, like so many thousands of others, have still not arrived. Their flight was first rescheduled for yesterday morning, and then last night. Just when I was starting to get excited about going to pick them up I got a call from my sister that they had again been rescheduled for this Sunday. I was so disappointed, but try to remind myself of how very lucky I am. So many people who had loved ones involved in Tuesday's tragic events will never again get to be with their families and friends, waiting a few extra days seems so small in comparison. Hopefully they will make it to Phoenix tomorrow as scheduled, I think I will be nervous until I see them safely on the ground.