Pregnancy Diary
MAY 2001 - FOUR MONTHS REMAINING

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May 1st (21 Weeks -1 Day)
Since beginning my journal I have been following along with a few other moms-to-be who have been chronicling their experience online.  One of my favorites is written by Dionne, a wonderful writer living in New York state, who manages to perfectly and humorously capture the little quirks and discomforts of pregnancy in a completely honest and engaging way.  Dionne wrote the following piece to her unborn child and was generous enough to let me include it in my diary.  The first time I read it I was awe-struck at the beauty, simplicity and truth of the promise she is making to her baby.  I was in tears, Sam and I have had many discussions about the things we want to teach our child and the person we hope he or she becomes, and this completely captures the essence of our dreams for our little one and the type of parents we want to become.

Promise to a Peanut

I promise you that you will be loved, and cherished, and well cared for.

I will sacrifice for your well being and happiness.

Your childhood is sacred and I will let you enjoy it.

I will remind you that the world offers itself to your imagination, and encourage you to dream.

I will not lie to you about the imperfections of our world, and I will teach you how to survive within it.

I will teach you that love and families come in many varieties.

If you are a little boy, you will be taught that being a man means you aren't threatened by equality.

If you are a little girl, you will learn that your only limitations are the ones you impose on yourself.

You will be listened to, seen, and believed.

You will know that our hearts, minds, and souls are the true gifts from Heaven.

You will be encouraged to think, read banned books, and question authority. Even mine.

You will be taught to love your body, your face and your spirit.

I will teach you that in the face of injustice, compassion is not enough.

I will teach you courage.

If we disagree, I will respect you. And you will learn to respect others who disagree with you.

You will learn not to be afraid to raise your hand in class, or to speak up for what you believe in.

You will know that you can talk to me about anything. Without judgment.

You will be taught personal responsibility.

You will learn that violence is wrong.

You will be taught to treat all people the way you would like to be treated, and better than they expect to be.

You will learn the diversity of your heritage and appreciate that rainbow of influence, even if others do not.

And most of all little one....You will know love.

Visit Dionne's Website

May 1^{st  (}21 weeks, 1 day)
I don't think I had any concept of how being at home all day would change my life.  I didn't realize how much of my identity was connected to my work and to the contact I had with people every day.  I am extremely glad for the opportunity to be home during my pregnancy and to be doing my absolute best to take care of our baby, not to mention the joy of being able to leave the stresses of the workplace behind me.  However, it has been difficult having my world suddenly shrink and I've been going a little crazy, feeling slightly cut off from the outside world.

Thankfully, I believe I have found a solution -   I have joined a local group for stay-at-home moms and attended my first playgroup today.  What fun to sit on the floor and play with all the babies and toddlers.  It made me really want to fast forward through the next few months until I have my own baby to hold and play with.  It was also wonderful to meet all the mothers, what a great source of advice they will be for me in the coming months.

I am really looking forward to getting involved, they do book discussions, moms-night-out, park days, babysitting co-ops.  I am really grateful for finding it so early, I think it will be a real blessing throughout my pregnancy and as I begin my journey into motherhood.

May 5, 2001 (21 weeks - 5 days)
It's finally official - I am publicly pregnant!  Today not just one, but three strangers asked when the baby was due.  So, to the rest of the world I am indisputably pregnant (this also puts to rest fears that, in clothes, I just looked like I had gained weight).  It was strange to have the checkout girl at Denny's staring at my belly,  but I hear it gets even more peculiar as things progress and total strangers feel as if they have a right to touch your stomach, ask exceedingly personal questions, and (this will be my favorite) share their personal horror stories about pregnancy and birth.  There must be something about a pregnant lady that makes everyone want to be involved, I guess the miracle of life just draws everyone in.

May 7th (22 weeks)
I never thought I would use the phrase ‘shook like a bowl full of jelly' to describe the belly of anyone other than Good Ole Saint Nick, but I guess by now I should be getting used to the fact that pregnancy is a time of firsts.  Last night, however, those are the exact words that leapt to my mind as I watched my own belly undulate, wobble and shake in response to vigorous actions from my energetic little one.

I have no idea if he was practicing his trapeze act, training for the 2012 Olympic gymnastic team or perhaps perfecting his karate chop -  but those were some pretty ambitious movements going on it there.  I am starting to get used to it, but it is still fairly disconcerting to see a part of me moving independent of any direction on my part.  It is absolutely phenomenal how strong our baby is and how determined he seems to let me know he's alright in there.  Some of the movements are strong enough to make me exclaim aloud and other times the baby definitely finds a ticklish spot.  I am thankful for each and every kick, poke and prod - because it means our child is thriving and growing with each passing day.  Keep it up my little one, there is a big world out here just waiting for you to explore, save some energy for your big entry.

Last night I had a dream about my baby.  In my dream she was a perfect little girl with dark eyes and dark hair, so incredibly beautiful that the waking memory of her brought tears to my eyes.   I held her, nursed her and dressed her and woke up very sad to realize I still had four more months to go.   It was the first time I really wished I could hurry this process along and get to the end result.  I tried to go back to sleep and recapture the dream, but like all dreams it was just a fleeting moment in time.   I know the love, peace and contentment I felt during the dream are only a fraction of what I will feel when I am finally holding my baby in my arms - but I still can't wait to sleep tonight and see if we will meet again in dreamland.

May 10th (22 weeks - 3 days)
Today it is officially 4 months till my due date.  Of course, estimated due dates are not an exact science and our baby's birthday could be anywhere from three weeks before that date till two weeks afterwards.  Still, I believe it is cause for celebration - more than halfway there!

Sam has been incredible throughout this pregnancy, he is so supportive, caring and considerate that I am falling more in love with him every day.  He is going to be such an amazing father, he has so much love, generosity and kindness to share with this child and with all of our future children.  There is so much about him that I hope our children inherit or learn, he will teach them that you can be strong and still be gentle, that you can be responsible but still have fun, and that laughter and family are more important than money.   I cannot wait for the first moment that he sees his child and for the first time he holds the baby. 

I didn't think it could be possible, but since discovering this pregnancy our marriage has grown continually stronger.  With each passing month we have been growing closer to each other and to our growing child.  Before we had a baby on the way we would talk about what a f team we were - now we are on our way to creating an even stronger family.  The fact that our love for each other allowed us to create another life has produced a bond between us that is stronger than anything we could have dreamed.  I am so glad we are bringing our baby into such a strong relationship and I know our love for each other will help to make us the best parents we are able to be.  Our child is going to grow up with a fantastic example of what a marriage can be.

May 12th (22 weeks - 5 days)
Oh my goodness - I am beginning to get an outie! 

You go through daily life without ever giving your belly button very much thought, and then you get pregnant.  First, it gains new significance as you start to contemplate your connection to your baby through the umbilical cord, and how your own navel is the only visible remnant of the physical link you once shared with your mother.  Then, as the months go by you notice that, little by little, it is changing appearance. 

I have gone from a definite innie, to an odd looking, oval shaped, flat navel and now I look down and see a slight but distinct protrusion.  I simply cannot imagine what it will look like by the end.  This pregnancy thing is a riot!  I can't even begin to imagine what's next!

May 13th (22 weeks-6 days)
Mothers Day - and for the first time it applies to me!  I think all the time about having this baby but I am still not accustomed to the the term mother used in reference to myself.  Technically and emotionally I have been a mother since the day this baby was conceived but the transformation will not be complete until I give birth to my child.  

Never again will I be responsible only for myself - there is now and will always be someone who depends on me.  Right now the physical dependence is absolute, our baby survives because my body provides for all of his needs.  This is a responsibility and privilege that is mine, and mine alone.   In a few short months this will change, no longer will the baby depend solely on me but will be able to look to others to fulfill his or her needs.  Despite this, and all else that may occur through our lives, we will be forever tied to one another by the threads of love.  First and foremost as mother and child but also, I hope, as friends.

I am so grateful to my mother for being the person she is.  I am thankful for all that she has taught me through lesson and by example and for the gifts of her time, patience and love.   She never pushed her expectations upon her children, but let us all reach our destinies on our own.  She allowed us to make mistakes, she helped us get through them and she supported us in our decisions - allowing us to grow into strong, confident adults, secure in ourselves and in our place in the world.  And when that security was shaken, as it often is in life, she and my father have always been there with open arms to help us through the rough spots.   Throughout this pregnancy my relationship with my mother has been on the forefront of my mind and I know that I will be a good mother mainly because she was such an incredible mother to me.  I could not have had a better example of what a mother should be and I know she will be the best grandmother to our baby.

May 17th (23 weeks - 3 days)
I have finally given in and purchased some of those awful maternity shorts with the belly panel that reaches almost to my armpits.  It was getting to the point where I would have been forced to burn my overalls if I had to wear them one more day - so I went shopping.  Of course, wearing the maternity shorts means you have to start wearing the long maternity shirts too, to cover the belly panel,  so I look like a real picture of impending motherhood now.   I think I have discovered a new mission in life - to convince someone out there to design figure-flattering maternity clothes for women who are not content to spend the latter months of pregnancy wearing a tent.  I feel beautiful, why do I have to look like I am trying to hide it? 

May 22nd (24 weeks - 1 day)
This weekend I had my first attack of nerves about the transition to motherhood - Will I be a good mother? Will I know what to do? Will I make mistakes that will cause irreparable harm to my child?  Will I still be sane after several weeks of crying and dirty diapers?

Of course, I know from talking to other new moms that momentary episodes of panic are pretty normal at this stage.  In such a short time life as we know it will cease to exist - or at the very least it will probably be transformed to such an extent as to be basically unrecognizable 6 months from now.  I guess it makes sense to be just a tad anxious about all those changes.

Still, the excitement and anticipation overrides even the most worrisome questions, deep down I know we will be good parents and we will adjust wonderfully to life with baby.  When I temporarily loose sight of these facts my wonderful husband is quick to remind me - what would I ever do without him?

May 26th (24 weeks - 5 days)
Well, I am not going to worry about this baby being hearing impaired.  We went to see the movie Pearl Harbor tonight and this little one kicked me black and blue the entire time.  For every explosion or gunfire I got hit, kicked or punched numerous times - my internal organs took a real beating!  Poor little guy (or girl) must have thought his (or her) peaceful little world had turned upside down.  I had to feel bad for the rest of the folks unfortunate enough to pick a row of seats occupied by a woman nearing her sixth month of pregnancy.  I think by the third bathroom trip they were getting a little tired of the interruptions - but in my defense it was a REALLY long movie. I guess we will have to choose an aisle seat next time.