Welcome to Turd Island


All Hail Queen Shit!

o ho ho! You've found Turd Island and its subsidiary, the forthcoming Pierrean World Party Headquarters. Turd Island is actually located about two miles from its nearest neighbor the Isle of Cheese which is ruled by the evil Emilia con Queso, my sister. Turd Island is an absolute monarchy with a prominent aristocracy and its very own geneaology. Our mascot is the Turd Bird.

Note: Contrary to what you might think, Turd Island didn't get its name because I have a fascination for the potty. It actually came from one of Lynda Barry's cartoons where Marlys and Maybonne's mom is sitting around with her friend the school secretary smoking and reminiscing over pictures of their days in boot camp. One of them points to a picture of a particular girl and says, "Remember her? That woman thought she was the Queen Shit of Turd Island." (or something close to that, I don't have the book with me). For all I know, Queen Shit of Turd Island may be a common expression, I had just never heard it before and thought it was hilarious. Anyway the point here is, if you aren't familiar with Lynda Barry you MUST go to the Lynda Barry Homepage right now and read some of her cartoons. It will make your life happier and I guarantee you will fall in love with her unless you just outright suck.



From here you can:


Find out all about me! How exciting!

or visit the Turd Island Pubic Library

or you can even go to my TV page

or The Turd Island Cinema.

So bored you might as well be listening to Genesis? Try Turd Island's own No Crow Radio .

Her Majesty's School for Boys in Utah is now open!

Coming soon! Queen Shit's Comix Page.

Help Queen Shit!


Coming soon to my kick-arse web page: Ride the Toll Road to Hell (the toll is your soul!!!), call Ralph and Bart long distance from the porcelain payphone at My Tribute to the Most Revolting Man in Acting (that red-haired guy from Beautiful Girls), become informed with a special educational pamphlet "Diseases I Have Had", join the Turd Island ruling class and gain a noble title playing "Help Queen Shit", see my cool Drop Dead Fred FAQ, join the People Who Think Shakespeare and Homer Are Vastly Overrated Club, read how Oscar came about, get into lots of mischief with Queen Shit's List of Phone Numbers of People You Can Feel Free to Harrass, or creep yourself out with Spooky Urban Legends.





Turd Island Gazette



The Saturdayly Update On My Exciting Life And It's Effect On This Page

No, I'm not dead. I know I haven't updated anything in like forever. My life is a shambles as usual. I saw my first porn today. I was not impressed. I thought since I've been over 18 for two years and all...My friends Debbie and Andy went in the video store (it was a regular one, not all porn) to get it for us and Andy asked the videostore boy if he knew what triphop was (we were asking everybody if they knew what triphop was tonight) and he gave him a fifteen minute lecture on triphop. I am in love with the video store boy and not just because he knows his triphop history, but also because he loves Dangerous Liasons and has a Nightmare Before Christmas tie (these are things I've found out on previous visits). It's a good thing no one who knows me in real life reads this page.

It's a sad day for all you morbid people out there for it seems that the famed munchkin hanging in the background of the Wizard of Oz may only be a rumor. Here is the official explanation . However, I was not completely convinced because I did see the mysterious bird they're talking about the last time I watched it and could not have possibly been mistaken for a hanging because it was walking around on the ground. Perhaps the real hanging is somewhere else.

Bored? Looking for some hot man action? Go see Grosse Pointe Blank, starring the amazing John Cusack, love of my life since second grade when I saw him in The Journey of Natty Gann. I wonder how it feels for him to wake up in the morning and think, "I am the most perfect being God has ever created,"? This movie is as good as his teenage flicks and not only does he star in it, he wrote it, and co-directed it! What a man! And if that wasn't enough for you the soundtrack is the music of the gods, including The Clash, The Cure, The Femmes and a lot of kick arse 80's songs.

ATTENTION!!!!! Do you wear No Fear t-shirts? Do you have Taz mudflaps, a glowjob, or a Bad Boy/Nasty Girl sticker on your car, truck, or four-wheeler? Do you own or have you ever owned a Rod Stewart album? If you answer yes to one or more of these questions please read the public service announcement on this page.




Got money to blow? Want to be cooler than everyone else? Well, send me $10 (I'VE MARKED DOWN THE PRICE, KIDDIES!!!) and I'll make you a Queen Shit original t-shirt. We have three designs:
1#-Mr. Poopyhead- This T-shirt has a picture of Mr. Poopyhead on it smoking a cigarette. The caption says, "Mr. Poopyhead says, (your slogan here)". Isn't that great? Ok, also there's...
#2-Cornflakes Disease Shirt-This shirt has a picture of Drop Dead Fred writhing in pain from his bout with cornflakes disease and cornflakes falling down all around him. The shirt reads "I've got cornflakes disease!" and in the corner it reads "Drop Dead". And finally...
#3-The Offend a Hippie Special-The shirt reads "I'm Grateful Jerry Garcia's Dead" on the front and "No Phish either" on the back with a picture of a dead fish. I can put a dead Jerry on the front too I suppose if you want me to.
Coming soon!! Lovable Robert Smith ragdolls!!!


NEW!!!!!! I finally figured out how to get a guestbook on here. Just copy and paste, my ass!!! Anyway, please make my day and sign it. Love, Queen Shit

Sign the Turd Registry Please View the Turd Registry, It's Undoubtedly Very Interesting


Websites that are a helluva lot better than mine

Punx Not Dead...just hungover!!!Online Magazine - not as maladjusted as it looks.
Disgruntled Housewives - A great page for us girls! (psst! boys! There's something here for you too...free nudie pix! Yer welcome.)
Old Punks Webzine - A crochety old man with sublime taste in music, some good ideas, and a web site that is a joy to read.
Have your fortune told by a really creepy gypsy.
Visit Typhoid Mary's Insane Asylum...filled with fascinating things.
Women in 1970's Punk - Really great site on an endlessly fascinating subject.



I swiped these icons from a really cool place called Jeffrey Zeldman Presents.
Try a cute little Australian search engine named Matilda.


This Page Sucks award
This church pew is owned by Queen Shit.

Want to join the The Central Valley Church of DAVe?

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Quote of the Week: "I think Robert (Sean Leonard) is hotter than hot sauce in a Ziploc bag. If he was fruit juice he would be Veryfine." - somebody called Gold Dust Woman in the Robert Sean Leonard Page Guestbook
Oh, by the by, minus 1,000 people from this counter and you've got the actual number of people who've been here (over half of whom are probably me). Scottie thought he was clever and since he is some kind of master computer whiz figured out how to get his computer to hit my page 1,000 times in rapid succession.

1997 For an audience with the Queen: masonje@diana.hollins.edu

"To disturb and annoy" - Our Island's Proud Motto


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