Being Born Hoedown

Josie Lawrence
Life is very fickle,
From life to the tomb,
But I remember one day
When I climbed out of the womb.
I came out a spluttering
And covered in green mush.
The first thing I heard was
"Push, push, push!"

Caroline Quentin
I am being born,
I'm heading out the womb.
I am being born,
I'm coming just too soon.
I am being born,
I can hear a cry.
I am being born,
I'm hurting mum, that's why!

Colin Mochrie
My son was born
The other day.
It really was exciting,
Really, really in a big way.
I look at him there,
With his great big smile.
I didn't know I had him
Upside down all the while!

Ryan Stiles
All I really feel
Is a doctor's hands on my bum.
He's pulling really hard
And I'm afraid here I come.
I wanna stay where I am,
Don't wanna leave that tube.
Hey, but since I'm out, give me
Some of that great big old boob!

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Being Stood Up Hoedown

Caroline Quentin
Last night I waited,
I waited all night long.
I waited for my boyfriend,
Sang a little song.
Where in the hell
Are you darling dear?
But he didn't turn up,
So I'm still waitin' here.

Colin Mochrie
I met a girl
I really, really liked.
I hoped that she'd come over,
But she wouldn't.
Can you believe it?
I mean, here I've been waiting.
I've been waiting!
No call, no phone call!

Ryan Stiles
When it comes to girls,
I seem to have some kind of hex.
I can never get what I want
And that is sex.
I just run and scream and I rant.
I guess I should just pay money
Like my friend Hugh Grant.

Tony Slattery
I waited in the restaurant.
I waited just all night.
I drank so much whiskey,
I began to get quite tight.
And then no one turned up in the end
And I thought oh no!
And then I kissed a labrador and then I...
[cracks up]

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Biting Nails Hoedown

Caroline Quentin
I always like to bite my nails,
Makes me feel so good.
I always like to bite my nails,
Although I know I should.
I sometimes get a bit of dirt
Right between my teeth,
Makes me feel just great to bite my nails
Just beneath.

Colin Mochrie
I really like to bite some nails,
I really, really do.
I bite them, bite them, bite them,
And then I shout, "Yahoo!"
I bite them here, I bite them there,
Right down to the bone.
But I never, never, never
Bite my own.

Ryan Stiles
There's one thing
I really shouldn't do.
It's my nails
That I love to chew.
Day after day, I can't stop.
What a twist.
I've chewed off all my fingers,
Now I'm nibbling on my wrist.

Tony Slattery
I really like to chew my nails.
I do it all night through.
And then when I've finished
I say to myself, "Phew!"
And then I go and get myself
Ice cream and raspberry ripple.
And after that I begin to suck
And swallow my own nipple.

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Bungee Jumping Hoedown

Steve Frost
I went up the Eiffel Tower
Just the other day.
I threw up myself,
The braces how they swayed.
I went down and I went up,
And down and up again.
I went up and down so fast,
I ended up in Big Ben.

Greg Proops
The other day my girlfriend said,
"Greg, you want a thrill?"
She took me to a bridge
At the bottom of a hill.
She tied a cord to my back
And I ran out of luck.
'Cause when she pushed me off it,
I just yelled out, "Wow."

Colin Mochrie
I love to bungee jump.
I do it everyday.
It's such a nifty, nifty, nifty, nifty
Way to play.
I love to do it and people say it's dangerous
But it depends.
I find it really dangerous,
'Cause I don't tie the other end.

Ryan Stiles
I like to jump off bridges.
It's really lots of fun,
But I'm in a lot of pain
When the day is done.
I don't have a cord,
But you never hear me blubber.
I can still go up and down,
My penis is made of rubber.

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Christmas Hoedown

Steve Frost
Well I love Christmas.
I wish it was every day.
I love Christmas.
Do you hear what I say?
Sometimes I go up
And sometimes I go down.
Did you know there was a man
Called Coco the Clown?

Colin Mochrie
I love my Christmas.
I love it every year.
'Cause I shove food in my mouth.
I grin ear to ear.
My cholesterol is high and…
[pretends to have a heart attack]

Ryan Stiles
I really love Christmas.
It's better than the rest.
When it comes to holidays,
You know it is the best.
I like to celebrate.
I guess I know how it goes.
That's why I prefer to sleep
With a reindeer with a red nose.

Tony Slattery
I like Father Christmas.
You know he's a hell of a man.
I try to see him once a year.
As often as I can.
When he comes,
I do all the locks
And he comes down the chimney
And he fills up all my socks.

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Colin Mochrie Hoedown

Greg Proops
I love to sing like Colin.
I really, really do!
I really, really, really,
Really, really, really do!
And when I sing like Colin,
It makes me have great joy
Because I-uhh…
[does Colin's dinosaur impression]

Phil LaMarr
Well, there is a man they call
The king of Whose Line.
His soul is on fire and
His mind is very fine!
He does a hoedown
And he very rarely sucks,
'Cause he is one talented,
Folically challenged Canuck!

Colin Mochrie
Everybody's havin' fun.
They're singin' all about me!
Let's all laugh along with them.
Ha, ha, ha, he, he.
It really is amusing.
Can't you all see?
Look at them, look at them.
Of me they're making a Mochrie!

Ryan Stiles
You've got to love Colin.
Love him to the end!
I have to admit that
He is my best friend!
I would not lie to you
And this is no jive.
Anyway you look at it,
He's still got more hair than Clive!

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Excessive Drinking Hoedown

Greg Proops
I used to like the booze.
I used to like the drickin'
But now I get my kicks
Going out toad lickin'
I go out to the desert,
Find myself a frog
And lick its psychedelic
Back 'til I'm high as a dog.

Mike McShane
Out there on the plains,
There ain't no liquor store.
There's just some big cactus
And not very much more.
But the Agave,
I'll tell you, gives the juice.
You put it in, let it ferment,
It really cuts you loose.

Tony Slattery
[pulls handkerchief out of mouth]
And then I cut it off!

Ryan Stiles
Drinking lots of liquor
Can go right to your head.
Well, one day I drank so much
That I woke and I was dead.
Oh, drinking,
It really takes some nerve.
But at least I'm dead, hey,
I am well preserved.

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Going to the Cinema Hoedown

Josie Lawrence
The favorite thing in my life
Is such a crazy dream.
I'd like to be a movie star
Up there on the screen.
But I'll never be a movie star.
No, no, no, no, no.
'Cause I'm too busy
Snogging on the back row.

Steve Frost
I love films.
I could watch 'em all night.
I like watching them
When I'm in flight.
The ones on the aeroplanes,
Though the screen is too small.
But that's all right, don't bother me.
I've only got one ball.

Ryan Stiles
I am the person
That people want to kill.
Don't really mind,
To me it's kind of a thrill.
I'm used to it now.
To me it's nothing new
'Cause I'm the guy that comes in
And sits in front of you.

Tony Slattery
I saw a film the other day.
Tt wasn't very good.
It starred something that looked
Like a plank of wood.
I looked a little bit closer.
I must've been going insane.
It wasn't a plank of wood at all,
It was Michael Cain.

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Hairdressers Hoedown

Greg Proops
I hate going for haircuts.
It really is a drag.
'Cause I think that my barber
Is a mighty hag!
Every time I sit in the chair,
I just say "Damn my luck!"
'Cause he always cuts my ear
And I yell out "Darn!"

Russell Fletcher
To get a haircut,
I need to save up a few bob.
To get a nice neat one
So I can get that new job.
But when I went in,
I come out a bit queer,
I hadn't been to the hairdresser,
I'd been to the sheep shearer!

Ryan Stiles
Oh, I'm not sure of my barber.
I think he's kinda strange.
The way he likes to play with my hair.
He'd always re-arrange.
I'm not sure about him.
I don't think he's my kind of guy,
But I can't complain
When he likes to blow me dry!

Josie Lawrence
I hate hairdressers
And all the things they say.
They push my neck over the sink and say,
"Have you been on holiday?"
I hate hairdressers
And I haven't been to one since
I asked for a blow dry
And they gave me a blue rinse!

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Halloween Hoedown

Greg Proops
I like trick or treatin'
I go from door to door.
I ask for candy, ask for sweets,
Then I ask for more.
Sometimes they give me
Lots of rocks and bugs,
But I do not care
'Cause I trick or treat on drugs.

Colin Mochrie
Oh, I'm so glad that
Halloween is finally here.
'Cause Halloween's my favorite
Time of the entire year.
I dress up and give
All the kids an awful fright.
I really don't know why,
I'm not wearing a mask tonight.

Niall Ashdown
Last Halloween,
There were terrible blizzards.
This was caused
By a nasty old wizard.
He looked out his window
And cast a fearful spell.
And when I woke up in
The morning I did smell.

Ryan Stiles
Halloween can be
Such a special night.
It's a chance you get to
Run around and scare and fright.
When people open the door,
Oh boy, do they run.
That's because every year,
I dress as Clive Anderson.

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Marital Problems Hoedown

Josie Lawrence
I've been having problems
With me and my fella.
So we went to see a
Marriage counselor.
Her name was Helen.
She was very nice.
Now I live with her instead
And my life is full of spice!

Stephen Fry
Music and sex are very similar to me, I just can't make them,
Whatever I do, whenever I try to, I find it best to fake them,
I've been to that Ansevners shop, I've been in every branch,
But the only way I can get it off is with Richard Vranch!

Colin Mochrie
I'm a great blue whale.
I live undersea.
I'm having problems
With my wife and me.
She's always going on about old boyfriends.
It really makes me sick.
Well, how in hell can I compare
To a guy called Moby Dick?

Ryan Stiles
I live in the US.
Married a girl from the south.
She's always screaming,
Got a really big old mouth.
She comes out a swinging,
A screaming and a fussin'
I guess that's what you get when you marry
Your sister's brother's cousin!

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Pony Trekking Hoedown

Josie Lawrence
Well, love is
Nothing but balogna.
I'd rather be
With my little pony.
Trekking up the hillside,
Trekking down the course.
I love my pony.
I also love my horse.

Rory Bremner
I like pony trekking on
The holiday program.
I like drawing pictures of where I go
And even diagrams.
I like going on ponies
And bashing them with bricks.
It doesn't really hurt me, but it
Makes them go much faster.

Mike McShane
Pony roundup in the summertime!
Pony roundup in the summertime!
I take 'em left and right on path
And then I take 'em to the osteopath.
Pony roundup in the summertime!

Tony Slattery
I like to go a trekking
In the country on my pony,
I'm very friendly with the critter.
I say, "Hello, I'm Tony."
Then, oh look out there's
Something nasty in the way.
It's not a pony dumpy.
It's Mr. Anderson's toupee.

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Puberty/Hair going grey Hoedown

Steve Frost
When I was a young man,
I went to my friend's house for tea.
Well he was growing up too fast.
He was going through puberty.
He had hairs on his top lip
And underneath his arms.
His mother came in and
Caught us kissing, and joined in.

Josie Lawrence
Ooh, I hate puberty.
All my things are stickin'
Out and I have got acne.
Oh, oh, oh,
I do not want to grow.
So as this is a hoedown,
I'll just do-se-do.

Colin Mochrie
I like going grey.
I really, really do.
I really, really, really, really,
Please don't misconstrue.
To you, maybe,
It's a source of consternation.
But I'm quite happy with
My hair pigmentation.

Ryan Stiles
Things are starting to happen in me
Way below my belt.
It's the strangest thing
That I have ever felt.
I turn out the lights
And I play with my crotch.
Every night when I watch
All the girls on Baywatch.

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Reading the Will Hoedown

Steve Frost
When my father passed away,
We had to read the will.
I didn't turn up
Because I was feeling ill.
I got a letter in the post.
It said I had 3 million quid.
So I went out and bought a horse
And this is what I did.

Colin Mochrie
The other day I went to
My dad's funeral.
He crossed himself with an elephant.
It didn't go too well.
The elephant was willing.
My daddy, he said ouch.
It took me 27 days to
Scrape him off the couch.

Ryan Stiles
My brother passed away last week.
I guess that's kind of sad.
Because he is the best brother
That I have ever had.
But he will always be with me
Because we made a pact.
I'll put my hand right up him
Ad start a ventriloquist act.

Tony Slattery
My mother died the other day.
I hit her with a cosh.
I hoped that in the will,
Se would leave me lots of dosh.
But when I read the will,
I found out that I was not rich.
She just left me her knickers.
What a stupid bitch!


Riding a Donkey Hoedown

Steve Frost
I was riding my donkey
Up a stony pass.
I fell off
Onto the grass.
I saw a man and he
Helped me back on.
That's why I sing this song.

Colin Mochrie
I like to ride my donkey.
I ride him all day long.
He is very, very, very,
Very, very, strong!

Ryan Stiles
I am a donkey.
I love to haul the goods.
I think that's the way
Every donkey shoulds.
As I am hauling,
Never without fail,
Someone comes up
And pokes a pin right in my tail.

Tony Slattery
I love my fluffy donkey.
I like to call him Clive.
I dress him up in panties.
He's the best animal alive.
I like to dress him up
In lots of frilly clothes
And the two of us begin to star
In certain videos.


Scuba Diving Hoedown

Greg Proops
I dance underwater.
I do a coral jig.
I live there with my friend,
A tiny inflatable pig.
Wearing a rubber suit,
That is my fervent wish.
I scuba dive all day long
So I can have sex with fish.

Mike McShane
3 feet under,
I'm in the water clear.
I've got my mask on.
I'm feeling good oh dear.
I'm nuzzlin' up to fishes.
I'm all the deep blue sea.
I can't have nothing like
Jacques Cousteau you see.

Ryan Stiles
I'm not very good at swimming.
I hope that I don't drown.
And if I do I hope that sooner or later,
My body's found.
I think I'm going there now.
My vision's going soft.
Where the hell when you need him
Is David Hasselhauf?

Tony Slattery
I love my scuba diving kit.
My pleasure never ends.
As long as I don't surface quick,
Then I get the bends.
I get all my friends
And my uncles and aunties.
And my most important equipment
Is my waterproof panties.


Sex Hoedown

Greg Proops
Oh, I'm a randy bugger.
I like to get around.
I like to have a shag
With everyone in town.
I have lots of fun.
I'm as happy as can be.
And that's 'cause my name is
Tony Slattery!

Colin Mochrie
I love making love.
I do it every day.
My girlfriend's a contortionist.
We do it every way.
It's quite remarkable.
The ways which she can bend.
She's also a psychic.
She foresaw her own end!

Ryan Stiles
Living in the country.
There's really not much to do.
I love to grab many things
And have a real good screw.
I guess it's really bad.
I guess it's kinda sad.
But my girlfriend looks at me and says,
"Hey, you're not bad!"

Tony Slattery
I am a little kinky.
My panties are made of fur.
I like to stay in evenings.
Just me and my cucumber.
And then I pull my pants down
And I start to paint my tush.
And dress up in leather and
Squat on Barbara Bush.


Vasectomy Hoedown

Steve Frost
Well I went to my doctor's and he said to me,
"What you need is a vasectomy."
Gotta cut your balls off
And put them in a jar.
And then he took his hat off
And went, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

Colin Mochrie
I fight fires in Germany.
They really are the worst.
I will now do German
In my next verse.
Ich lieber dig uder der
Mansion in exploden.
Uger dat jumpin jumpin
Uber trampolinin.

Ryan Stiles
Some people think
It's a really lousy job,
But I love the fact
Working round somebody's knob.
Everybody thinks that
It's a job that really stinks,
But I save the spare parts
And I make cufflings.

Tony Slattery
The doctor went to work that day.
He started right down there.
He snipped around my tezzies
And around my pubic hair.
And for that job, I'm very grateful.
Yes, I do give thanks.
'Cause now every time I'm making love,
I'm always shooting blanks


Lottery Hoedown

Greg Proops
Oh I love the lottery
It makes me so excited
If I were to win it,
I'm sure I'd be delighted.
But every time I go to the shop,
It is such a drag.
I see the shopkeeper
And I have to give him a shag.

Rory Bremner
I just won the lottery.
My lucky number 6.
Having won the lottery,
I'm gonna pick up loads of chicks.
I'll take them out, take them for dining,
And then I'll have fun with them all.
I can't wait to see the smile on their face
When they see my bonus ball

Colin Mochrie
If I won the lottery,
I'd be one happy clown.
Because then I would hire someone
To do this hoedown.
So if what I say isn't funny
And you're vexed.
Don't worry 'cause Ryan's coming up with funny,
He's next.

Ryan Stiles
I hope to win the lottery
With a lot of luck!
Boy would I go crazy,
I'd probably even [coughs]
I wouldn't change at all.
Sure, I'd go to the whorehouse
And maybe kick out my wife.


Feeding the Cat Hoedown

Greg Proops
I am a little kitty.
You know my name is Tabby.
My master feeds me too much.
That's why my butt's so flabby.
He put me on a diet
He tried to slim me down.
He stuck me in the backyard
And put me in the ground.

Ryan Stiles
I always feed my kitty,
The way a master should.
In fact, I feed all the kitties
In the neighborhood.
They look at me kind of strange,
Some are even bitter.
I guess they figured out
I'm feeding them kitty litter.

Tony Slattery
I love to feed my kitten.
I feed him from the fridge.
I feed him flies and rats
And little tiny midges.
The problem is I'm blind.
I've got eyesight like a mole.
So sometimes I try to stuff
The food in the wrong hole.

Chip Esten
I got a sad story.
It really is a pity.
I fed some bad poison
I fed it to my kitty.
I put it in a bowl
And laid it on its plate.
Now my kitty's lost its life.
It's got another eight.

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