YIDDISH ~~~THE SECRET CODE

                 Yiddish was the secret code,
                therefore I don't farshtaist,
                A bisseleh maybe here and there, the
                rest has gone to waste.

                 Sadly when I hear it now, I only get
                the gist,
                 My Bubbeh spoke it beautifully; but
                me, I am tsemisht.

                So och un vai as I should say, or
                even oy vai iz mir,
                 Though my pisk is lacking Yiddish,
                it's familiar to my ear.

                And I'm no Chaim Yonkel , in fact I
                was shtick naches,
                 But, when it comes to Yiddish
                though, I'm talking out my
                tuchas.
 
                  Es iz a shandeh far di kinder that I
                don't know it better.
                 Though it's really nishtkefelecht
                when one needs to write a
                letter.

                 But, when it comes to characters,
                there's really no contention,
                 No other linguist can compete with
                honorable mentshen:
 
                 They have nebbishes and nebechels
                and others without mazel,
                 Then, too, schmendriks and
                schlemiels, and let's not forget
                schlemazel.
 
                 These words are so precise and
                descriptive to the listener,
                 So much better than "a pill " is to
                call someone "farbissener".
 
                 Or, that a brazen woman would be
                better called chaleria,
                 And you'll agree farklempt says more
                than does hysteria.
 
                 I'm not haken dir a tsheinik and I
                hope I'm not a kvetch,
                 But isn't meiskeit nicer, than to
                call someone a wretch?

                 Mitten derinnen, I hear Bubbeh say,
                 "It's nechtiker tog,
                 don't fear,
                 To me you're still a maven, zol zein
                  shah, don't fill my  ear.
                 A leben ahf dein keppele, I don't
                 mean to interrupt,
                 But you are speaking
                 narishkeit.....And A gezunt auf dein
                 kup!"

                  ~~~~~~~~
                  GLOSSARY
                  ~~~~~~~~
 
                  Farshtaist = (Do You?) Understand
                  Bisseleh = A little
                  Tsemisht = Confused or mixed up
                  Och un vai = Alas and alack
                  Oi vai iz mir = Woe is me
                  Pisk = mouth
                  Naches = Joy, Gratification
                  Shandeh far di kinder = A pity/shame
                  for the children
                  Nishtkefelecht = Not so terrible
                  Nebbishes = A nobody or simpleton
                  Nebechels = A pititful person or
                  playing the role of being one
                  Schlemiel = Clumsy bungler, an inept
                  person, butter-fingered
                  Schmendrik = Nincompoop; an inept or
                  indifferent person
                  Schlemazel = Luckless person.
                  Unlucky person; one with
                  perpetual bad luck (it is said 
                  that the shlemiel spills the
                  soup on the Shlimazel!)
                  Farbissener = Embittered; bitter
                  person
                  Chaleria = Evil woman. Probably
                  derived from cholera.
                  Farklempt = Too emotional to talk.
                  Ready to cry.
                  Haken dir a tsheinik = Don't get on
                  your nerves
                  Kvetch = Whine, complain; whiner, a
                  complainer
                  Mieskeit = Ugly
                  Mitten derinnen = All of a sudden,
                  suddenly
                  Nechtiker tog! = He's (it's) gone!
                  Forget it!
                  Nonsense! (Lit., a night's day)
                  Zol zein shah! = Be quiet. Shut up!!
                  Leben ahf dein keppele = Words of
                  praise like; Well said! Well done!
                  Narishkeit = Nonsense
 
                  Hope you enjoyed!
 

Mezuza Protection
 
   A wealthy Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with
over 50 rooms.
   He brings in a local workman to decorate the
place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but
realizes that he's forgotten something to put mezuzahs on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the
decorator to place them on an angle on the right hand side of
each door except bathrooms and kitchens.

  He's really worried that the decorator will chip
the paint work or won't put the mezuzahs up correctly. However,
when he comes back a few hours later, he sees that the job has
been carried out beautifully.

 He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a !
bonus. 
 As the decorator is walking out of the door he
says : "Glad you're happy with the job, mon. By the way, I
took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on
the table for you...

Short Jewish Jokes

Saul Epstein Was Taking An Oral Exam Applying For
His Citizenship Papers.
  He Was Asked To Spell "Cultivate"
  He Spelled It Correctly.
  He Was Then Asked To Use The Word In A Sentence.
  He Brightened Up And Said, "Last Vinter On A
Very Cold Day, I Vas Vaiting For A Bus, But It Vas Too Cultivate, So I
Took The Subvay Home."


    Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one
afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
    Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you
know I don't swim so well."
    Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer
from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.
    So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore.
After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally
about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, 
   "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
   Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a
time to be asking for money!"

   Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get ?
   A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole schmuck!

   Bar Mitzvah Definition:
   A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a
   Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more
   likely to own a professional sports team
   than he is to play for one.

   How do Jews actually practice their religion
   in contrast to what rabbis tell us we ought to do?
   From Ari Goldman's Book: "Being Jewish: the
  Spiritual and Cultural Practice of Judaism Today" --
1. I don't floss my teeth on Shabbat.
2. I don't eat shellfish on Shabbat.
3. I drive, but not on freeways (on Shabbat).
4. I keep kosher, but only within 50 miles of my home.
5. I keep 3 sets of dishes - for meat, dairy, and Chinese Food.

Neurotic: A person who worries about things
that didn't happen in the past... instead of
worrying about something that won't happen in the
future, like normal people.

   A man is lying on the operating table, about
to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father
says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything
happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."

"A Jewish Mother's Answering Machine"
If you want varnishkas, press 1;
If you want knishes press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want matzoh balls with the soup, press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you are
calling the wrong number since nobody ever asks me how I am feeling.

   A Jewish businessman warned his son against
marrying a "shiksa." 
   The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
   "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A
shiksa will cause problems."
   After the wedding, the father called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
   "It's Shabbos," the son replied.
   The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
    "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, 
"because my wife, the convert, wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
   "See," the father says. "I told you marrying a shiksa would cause
problems."

Hebrew Bugs

Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush.
"How was your summer?" asks
 bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not
enough flowers, not enough pollen."
 
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go
down the corner and hang a
left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of
flowers and fruit." Bee two
buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
 
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.
"How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.

The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's
that on your head?" "A
yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to
think I was a wasp."

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once,
on Yom Kippur, he left
the house early and went out for a quick nine holes
by himself. An angel who
happened to be looking on immediately notified his
superiors that a grievous
sin was being committed on earth. On the sixth hole,
G-d caused a mighty
wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the
cup for a miraculous and
dramatic hole in one.
The angel was horrified.

"Lord," he said, "you call this a punishment?!"

"Sure," answered G-d with a smile. "Who can he
tell?"

The Night Before Chanukah
 

'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and
maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!

 
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
 
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.


When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."


With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"


He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.


More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
"A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"


Anon 

An elderly Jewish lady approaches a man at a bus
stop in Brooklyn. She tugs
on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn
Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Elderly Lady: "Vot time is it?"



Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know
tonight is Kol Nidre, but
tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi,
I'm a lifelong Yankee fan.
I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV."
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCRs
are for."
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol
Nidre"?



This is a little-known tale of how G-d came to
give us the Ten Commandments.
G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them
if they would like a Commandment.
"What's a commandment," they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT
ADULTERY," replied G-d.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said,
"No way, that would ruin our weekends."
So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them
if they would like a commandment. 
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said G-d, "it's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our
economy."
So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them
if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
G-D said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN."



Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel,
and Shmerel were talking about moving to the US. 
Berel says,  "When I move to America,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call
me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also
have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says..... "I'm not moving."


It is teeming rain in the flood plain of
the Mississippi valley, and the rising river
begins to threaten all manner of private homes,
including of the local Rabbi. 
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with
police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi,
let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident
He will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at
which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his
house. A second police rowboat
comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us
evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced
up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the
officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up!
You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a
righteous man, who trusts in
the Almighty, and I am confident He will
deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off
the roof, carried away in the current and drowns.
 He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gate
he is admitted, and comes before the Divine
Presence. The Rabbi asks,
"Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous,
observant person my whole life, and depended on You 
to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?"
And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and
a helicopter.
What more do you want?"


A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas
comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is
a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog
in here."
"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a
Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in
the same way that a
St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its
neck this dog has a tallis
bag round its neck. "Rover," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs,
opens the tallis bag,
takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas,
"absolutely amazing, incredible!
You should take him to Hollywood, get him on
television, get him in the
movies, he could make a million dollars!!"
"You speak to him," says the man, "he wants to
be a dentist

A Jewish guy in a London hotel calls the operator
and asks, in broken English with a heavy
Lithuanian-Yiddish accent, for number 266419.
A short time later, someone knocks, and when he
opens the door he sees 2 beautiful and sexy girls who
asked him:  Have you ordered 2 shikses for one night?

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew
University: "The future
of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she
was on jury duty.
They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Shul committees should be made up of three
members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and
orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up.
They have no holidays.

Don't be humble; you are not that great. I have
enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.

The time is at hand when the wearing of a
prayer shawl and skullcap will 
not bar a man from the White House, unless, of
course, the man is Jewish.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New
York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana,
you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a rabbi, if they could
discuss his use of the family car. His
father took him into his study and said, "I'll
make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your Talmud a
little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and
again asked his father if they could discuss his use of
the car. They again went into the
father's study where the father said- "Son,
I've been very proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied the Talmud
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, 
"You know Dad, I've been thinking about
that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." The
rabbi said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.

"Tradition...Tradition...
"During a service at an old synagogue in
Eastern Europe, when the Shema
prayer was said, half the congregants stood up
and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started
yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones
standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
 The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and
commentaries, didn't know what to do. 
His congregation suggested that he consult a
homebound 98-year old man, who was one of the
original founders of their temple. 
The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him
what the actual temple tradition was. So he
went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the
congregation. The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the
old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?" The old
man answered, "No, that is not the tradition." The one whose followers
sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema?" The old man
answered, "No, that is not the tradition." Then the rabbi said to the old
man, "The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about
whether they should sit or stand!" The old man interrupted, exclaiming,
"THAT is our tradition!"

Chinese food

A Hebrew teacher stood in  front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year  as a people.  Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their  4,692nd year as a people.   
Now what does it mean to you?"After a moment of  silence, a chubby student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said. "What  does it mean? "
"Well," David replied "It means that the Jews had to go without  Chinese food for 1,067 years." 


Kosher Computers 
Made in Israel by DELLSHALOM 
It is selling at such a good price !! 

  If you or a friend are considering a Kosher computer, you should know that
 there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as: 

 
 The cursor moves from right to left. 
 
  Microsoft Office now includes,  "A little byte of this,  and a little byte of that." 
  
 It comes with two hard drives-one for:  fleyshedik (meat) business software  and one for milchedik (dairy) games. 
 
  Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault"  error, my PC now gets "Ferklempt." 
 
  The Chanukah screen savers  include "Flying Dreidels". 
 
  The PC also shuts down automatically  at sundown on Friday evenings. 
 
  The "Start" button has been replaced with the  "Let's Go!! I'm Not Getting Any Younger!" button. 
 
  When disconnecting external devices from the  back of my PC, you are instructed to  "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus." 
 
  Internet Explorer has a spinning  "Star of David" in the upper right corner. 
 
  You will hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.  When running "ScanDisk," it prompts with a  "You want I should fix this?" message. 
 
  When your PC is working too hard,  I occasionally hear a loud "Oy!!!" 
 
  Year 2000" issues were replaced by  "Year 5760-5761" issues. 
 
  After 20 minutes of no activity,  your PC would go "Schloffen." 
 
  Computer viruses would now be  cured with chicken soup. 
 
  There is a "monitor cleaning solution" from  Manischewitz that advertises that it gets rid of  the "schmutz und drek" on your monitor. 
 
  After your computer dies,  you MUST dispose of it within 24 hours. 
 
  And of course the BEST Feature of all:   Kosher Computers DONT GET SPAM! 

AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.

BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.

BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business

school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine 's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.

HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.

IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan .

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

 

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

 

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

 

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.

 

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

 

SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.

 

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

 

SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

 

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

 

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

 

YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

 

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis, or Taylor

JEWISH MOTHERS
1.The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women 
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to 
the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates 
from medical school. 

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? 
  A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. 

4. Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Pr incess horror movie? 
  It's called 'Debbie Does Dishes.' 

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? 
  A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. 

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? 
  A: Facing Bloomingdale's. 

7. When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, 
she replied, 'So did my arthritis.' 

8. A man called his mother in Florida , 'Mom, how are you!?' 'Not too good,' 
said the mother. 'I've been very weak.' The son said, 'Why are you so weak?' 
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.' The son said, 'That's terrible. 
Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?' The mother answered, 'Because 
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.' 

9. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a 
part in the play. She asks, 'What part is it?' The boy says, 
'I play the part of the Jewish husband.' The mother scowls and says, 
'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.' 

10. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? 
  A: Under the vacuum cleaner. 

11. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? 
  A: Zero: (Sigh) Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to 
be a nuisance to anybody. 

12. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat. 

13. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street 
and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied. 

14. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? 
  A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. 

15. Jewish mother's telegram: 'Begin worrying. Details to follow.' 

16. Q: Why are Jewish Men circumcised? 
  A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off. 

Jewbilation  (n..) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish or  that your offspring is marrying a Jewish person.
 
Torahfied  (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the   Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)
 
Matzilation  (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.  
 
Bubbegum  (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never  gave to her own children. 
 
Chutzpapa  (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the  baby's diaper. 
 
Déjà  Nu  ( n.)  Having the feeling you've seen the same exa sperated look on your mother's  face, but not knowing exactly when. 

Disoriyenta  (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a department store and strikes up a  conversation with everyone she passes. 
 
Goyfer  (  n.)  A Gentile messenger. 

Hebort  (v.)  To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat  Mitzvah. 

Jewdo  (n.) A t raditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a  tight spot. 
 
Mamatzah  Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make..  
 
Meinstein  - slang. 'My son, the genius!' 
 
Mishpochadots  (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face  and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception. 
 
Re-shtetlement  (n.) Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live  in the same condo building as you. 
 
Rosh  Hashana-na-na ( n.) A rock 'n roll band from Jewish Brooklyn.
 
Yidentify  (v.) To be able to determine Jewish origins of celebrities, even  though their names might be St. John , Curtis, Davis or Taylor. 
 
Minyastics  (n.) Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person  to complete a Minyan. 
 
Feelawful  (n.)  Indigestion from eating Israeli street food, especially falafel.  

Dis-kvellified  (v.) To drop out of law school, med. school or business school as  seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme  cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is  majoring in biology is sufficient groun ds for diskvellification. 
 
Impasta  (  n.)  A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.  

Kinders  Shlep  (v.) To transport other kids besides yours in your car. 
 
Schmuckluck  (n.) Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a  vasectomy. 
 
Shofarsogut  (n.) The relief you feel when, after many attempts, the shofar is finally  blown at the end of Yom Kippur. 
 
Trayffic  Accident (n.) An appetizer one finds out has pork in it

·        The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole. 

·        If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish. 

·        It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job. 

·        If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher. 

·        Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour? 

·        WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave. 

·        Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah. 

·        Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur. 

·        There's nothing like a good belch.

·        Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of magnesia.

·        Never pay retail. 

·        Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre. 

·        No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a hangover. 

·        The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 

·        And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

·        If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too. 

·        Always leave a little room for the Viennese table. 

·        Always whisper the names of diseases. 

·        One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired. 

·        If you don't eat, it will kill me. 

·        Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 

·        The most important word to know in any language is sale. 

·        Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 

·        Never take a front-row seat at a bris. 

·        Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste. 

·        Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 

·        Never leave a restaurant empty-handed. 

·        Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach . 

·        The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the street parking is suspended.

·        You need 10 men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

·        A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight. 

·        A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing. 

·        Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 

·        Before you read the menu, read the prices. 

·        There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45. 

·        According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

·        Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't Jewish. 

·        If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for everyone else to hear.

·        No meal is complete without leftovers. 

·        What business is a yenta in? Yours. 

·        If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 

·        The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall. 

·        Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at four in the afternoon.

·        Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.