Tuesday, October 3 -- Bottom Of The Barrel

Dave Matthews Band, "Before These Crowded Streets"
tís official -- I am a total wreck.

Yesterday, I talked to that company that was interested (or re-interested) in me -- and it went horribly, as usual. Any time I try to talk to anyone before noon, it ends up the same way -- I have no clue what Iím talking about, and even if I do, I canít get it out of my mouth correctly. So, anyway, I donít expect them to call me back this time -- Iíll just add them to the ever-expanding list of places who arenít interested in me.

 I keep reading all of this business news that just makes me want to throw up. How graduating seniors are expecting stock options when they get their first job (something I still don't have after 6 years), and how they're making an average of $48,000 starting salary (not much less than what I make -- and I live in one of the most expensive places in the country). And just today, I read how the Senate passed a bill to basically double the number of H1-B visas, which allow foreigners with special skills (e.g. engineers) to enter the U.S. and get a job, meaning I'll have even more people to compete with.

If it sounds like I'm ranting, its because I am. I went to a very good school, graduated with honors, took all kinds of advanced classes and even did research. I've spent six years being a dedicated employee to a company, and look what it's gotten me -- a dead-end job with no chance of being able to jump to something else because my skills (what little of them there were in the first place) have eroded from lack of use. I'm totally stuck out here in San Diego, which right now is the last place I want to live, but I can't get out because it would cost my entire life savings to move and I can't find a job that would pay my way to go.

I'm thinking more and more about switching careers, but I still can't do that because my training and experience are so narrow that I'd have to go back to school, and I can't afford to go back to school because I can't stop working. Not like I can come up with anything else I'd like to do anyway, or if I did, that it would be any easier to find a job in a totally new field than it is in the field I'm currently in.

I'm thoroughly exhausted, mostly from boredom (and partially because I spend most of my time at home listening to a screaming baby). 

And possibly the worst thing is, everyone thinks my life is perfect. I have a great wife and great son and (so they think) great job, so why should I complain?

So what do I do about all of this? My life is a disaster, and I can't really do anything because nobody thinks there's anything wrong.

I'm about ready to take down this journal. For a while, it was actually pretty interesting -- I could find some of the smaller things in life, and, in my humble opinion, make them worth reading about. But now I can't even see the small things anymore. It's like I'm walking through a beautiful forest, full of birds and squirrels and flowering trees, but I can't see anything because there is this big black fog all around me.


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