| Hard Times By Cassiopea Moon I had no idea. I thought I knew him better than anyone else. Thought he couldn’t hide his feelings from me. Dammit, just a year away we were so close. What the hell happened? And why her? I can’t believe it. He should be ashamed. She is so young. I mean, she was… God, so young. Yeah, sure, but not much younger than me. Five, six years? I can’t remember when her next birthday was. And what does that have to do with anything? Young, but he has dated young women before. In fact, I would dare to say he has a thing for women younger than him. I wish… no, I don’t. Dammit! She was my friend. I wanted her to be happy, even with him. But I never knew, and now I feel like shit because she’s not here anymore but I am… and I’m jealous of my best dead friend… ** For as long as I live I will remember her falling. Big blue scared eyes staring up at us, her friends who were helpless to do anything. I will remember Adam’s startled cry, his hand reaching out for her, too late. I will remember her arms shaking gentle in the air, as if trying to fly. I will remember how my body tensed up, thinking for itself, getting ready to go for an impossible fly, a desperate attempt to reach her, to save her… A cold hand, the same hand that had just given up on Emma grabbing my arm, stopping my jump. I cried out, and struggled, and his voice… “Stop it! There’s nothing you can do.” I was so angry with him then. I refused to look at his eyes, and instead lowered my gaze just in time to watch her hit the floor, hard. Then nothing. I don’t remember how we got out of that damned mess, not really. I do remember impatiently shaking off my father’s hand, running to her… just to be rudely pushed away by Adam. “Get her out of my way.” Brennan’s strong arms circling me, fighting me as my fits pounded into his chest. He took me to the Double Helix. She didn’t die right away. Such a strong mind. She fought for as long as it took Adam to get her to Sanctuary. On the very core of his own being, on the lab, she slipped through his hands right in front of us. He didn’t want us there either. He had yelled at us, telling us to leave, and I think Jesse did, but not me. How could I? She was my best friend. Brennan pulled at my arm, but I was glued to the glass wall. I locked his eyes with mine, just one brief, hard second, to tell him I would hurt him badly if he tried to get me to leave again. Then he left. I saw it all, God. I heard the long beep and watched the little waves turn into a plane, deep green line over the monitors. I heard Adam’s cry of despair, his hands at her chest, pushing rhythmically, hard. I saw his lips opening hers, giving her his own breath. Then it hit him, that it was over, and what had been a medical act became something more. At that moment I knew, I knew that the kiss I was watching was a lover’s kiss, his mouth moving so gentle and yet so passionately over hers, giving her not his life anymore, but just the tears of his broken heart. My own lips tasted salty, and I realized I was crying too. He must had heard my startled gasp, because the next thing I knew was that his eyes were on mine and what I saw there I hadn’t seen before. Darkness and despair and then anger and fury. My instincts told me to run, but my legs wouldn’t obey. He was in front of me, his hands grabbing my arms painfully, shaking me harshly. “You have no right to be here!! Get out!!” he yelled in my face. I was trembling so hard I could barely stand. Who was that stranger and what had he done with Adam? Pain does weird thing to us. He had never, ever lose control this way in front of me before. I felt Brennan’s arms circling me again, and this time I let him pull me away from the glass. He guided me with one arm over my shoulders to his room. He didn’t close the door but we were alone, and it was so quiet. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t talk. I just stood there staring at the floor. I felt soft fingers under my chin, lifting my head, and then his eyes were on mine, so close. A storm there, too. I couldn’t read past the dark clouds covering his pupils. Then his lips were on mine, or mine were on his, I don’t know, but we were devouring each other like there was no tomorrow. For Emma wasn’t, and she had been a part of us till that moment, so maybe it makes sense, thinking that the little bit of Emma inside us wanted to go away in flames. Or maybe we knew we would feel so empty afterwards that we didn’t wanna stop, or maybe we wanted to feel our own lives over her death. Does it matter? He was hurting me, his teeth on my lips, his rough hand on my breast, but I didn’t care. I think I might have hurt him too, because there was blood on his neck where I had bitten him. He had me sitting on his desk in no time. He yanked my pants down, tearing my panties apart in the process. He had his fly unzipped and then his big cockhead was pushing at my entrance. It hurt like hell, when he buried himself to the hilt with no warning at all. But Emma didn’t warn us about her death, either. I wasn’t ready for him, but I wasn’t ready for my best friend leaving me, either. I concentrated on the pain, between my legs, in my bottom and thighs where the wooden table bit at my skin with Brennan’s every quick, deep trust. When the pain mixed with something else the guilt hit me hard. I stared at the open door, and then I saw him watching us. He locked his eyes with mine and I gasped at the intensity there. He held my gaze –revulsion, desire, astonishment, jealously, pain, anger, contempt all mixed up in his eyes- until I felt myself convulse around Brennan’s flesh. He savoured my orgasm through my eyes until I could stand it no more and closed them. When I opened them again he was gone. Without looking at Brennan I stood up and ran to the bathroom, where I retched till I was drained. |