Harland Williams on "Late Night"

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Conan: My next guest has appeared in the films “Half Baked”, “Dumb and Dumber” and “There’s Something About Mary”. Please welcome, a very funny guy, Harland Williams.

(Harland enters)

Conan: Nice poncho. (Laughs) Looks nice.

Harland: Would you like some….

Conan: I’m sorry… it’s nice. It just got me laughing, I don’t know why.

Harland: Can I get you a nice, freshly picked coffee?

Conan: I would enjoy that. Thank you, senor. It’s nice.

Harland: What a treat.

Conan: Yeah, how are you? How’s it going?

Harland: It’s good, I’m happy today, man. Did you see the headlines today? I couldn’t be happier ’cause I’m a big nature buff, and headlines: “Sea turtles officially off the endangered species list.”

Conan: They were endangered for a long time.

Harland: Oh yeah. They’re off it. They’re right off, so good news for -- (inturrupted by audience applause) Yeah!

Conan: Good to know.

Harland: Any people in the summer down on the beach, if one of those cute little guys waddles up onto the shore, now you can feel free to kick the crap out of it.

Conan: What a nice message for the kids. Now, how’s your summer going? So what have you been doing with your summer?

Harland: Well, summer’s a time for strawberry festivals.

Conan: I didn’t see that coming. What do you mean, seriously, you go to strawberry festivals?

Harland: You thought I was going to say coffee festival. Yeah, when I was a kid, I’ll never forget this one strawberry festival, you know I’m from Canada, and my parents took me to this one in this little town called Cloid, in Northern Canada. You know, there’s no monkeys up there.

Conan: Who said there were?

Harland: Well this is the thing. There’s no monkeys in Canada. So I’m at the church at the strawberry festival and I go wandering off down the street, and I’m about 14 years old, and I see this monkey chained to a maple tree. Some guy must have been with a circus at some point and there’s this monkey running around on this chain.

Conan: And that’s stuff you don’t see in Canada.

Harland: There’s no monkeys in Canada. So I go walking by, and when I come walking back, I notice that the chain’s just hanging there, there’s no monkey, and I’m around looking for this monkey. And it’s one of those wily little spider monkeys, right, and I can’t see it. So I see this other kid walking along the sidewalk on the other side of the road – he’s just walking along. And all of a sudden, I see the the monkey, I guess he got off his chain. He comes bolting out from behind a tree, running 100 miles per hour, runs up the back of a car, and uses the back windshield as a ramp, and he flies through the air about 40 feet and just wraps himself around the back of this kid’s head. So this kid’s like: “There’s no monkeys in this country! What’s on my head, man?” So that’s the beauty of strawberry festivals.

Conan: You never know what you’ll see.

Harland: You’ll never know. It’s a treat.

Conan: Not for that kid. Now, you’re from Canada. Do you live in LA or spend a lot of time in LA now?

Harland: I live in LA now, and you know LA’s crazy, the traffic’s crazy. I love to drive fast, you know.

Conan: You like to live on the edge.

Harland: I live on the edge and…. How dare you.

Conan: Sorry.

Harland: How dare you, sir. I got pulled over the other day. I was bootin’ along and I got pulled over by one of these female police officers. You ever been pulled over by a female cop?

Conan: No, it hasn’t happened to me, but…

Harland: It was a weird experience, ’cause she’s writing me up a ticket, she goes: “You know, you can mail this ticket in, or you can pay the on the fine – on the spot fine in the back of my cruiser with your hairy chequebook.”

Conan: That’s the stupidest phrase I’ve ever heard: “Hairy chequebook”.

Harland: Yeah, but it’s worth it. The problem with driving fast, too, Conan, is, you know, I’m always hitting animals, you know.

Conan: What?

Harland: I’m always…

Conan: That’s terrible.

Harland: I always hit things. Like the other day I was speeding down the 405 in LA and they dart out – you don’t have time to move. The other day I hit a koala.

Conan: A koala on the 405 in LA.

Harland: Yeah in LA. The bad thing is: it bounced off my car, into a ditch, bounced out and hit a kid.

Conan: The kid who had a monkey around his head. He had just gotten over that.

Harland: Now he’s hot a koala.

(Conan taps Harland on the arm. Harland acts as if he’s in extreme pain.)

Conan: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Harland: What do you gotta run up on me and do a Rambo?

Conan: Sorry, I don’t know what’s goin’ – these are guns. Feel that gun right there.

Harland: Your muscles are mental cases.

Conan: Freak out on ya. (He throws a bunch of punches and Harland screams). Just watch your step.

Harland: (----)’s child. You’re like a bag of Southwest Airlines mixed nuts.

Conan: Strangest interview I’ve ever had.

Harland: Hey, what’s that bridge over there with the lights on it? (He points to a bridge on the curtain behind him)

Conan: That’s the Brooklyn Bridge.

Harland: I was driving on this thing, I rented a car… I’ll be damned, I hit a manity.

Conan: You hit a manity?

Harland: Damn thing jumped out of the river there.

Conan: What? You hit a manity? That’s terrible.

Harland: Ridic-ulic-alic-ulous. That sounds like a new Dairy Queen treat.

Conan: I’m so scared now. I don’t know what’s happening anymore.

Harland: I’ll have a ridic-ulic-alic-ulous.

Conan: Now, you hit a manity. But everything’s okay, right?

Harland: Well, they’re retarded…. Come on. What is a manity? You know it’s just a walrus that didn’t like the cold, swam down to New York, and got it’s teeth kicked out.

Conan: By a gang of some kind? That’s such a sad story.

Harland: You’re a tough breed.

Conan: Yeah, we see a walrus, we kick it’s teeth out and make it a manity.

Harland: I’m always afraid I’m gonna see one of those things grazing at a salad bar, man.

Conan: Why are you afraid of that?

Harland: I don’t know, I just have strange fears. I have manity-a-it is.

Conan: Now, are you depressed at all about the economy? Economy’s having some hard times, here.

Harland: Yeah. How dare you rape me with your eyes.

Conan: That’s the only way I’m gonna do it.

Harland: Here’s the good news about the economy. (Conan looks at the ceiling) What, do you got bats?

Conan: Lookin’ around, havin’ a look.

Harland: Yeah, you gotta look. Gotta look around.

Conan: Gotta look around once in a while.

Harland: But here’s the good news about the economy. I think the folks out here know this: that technology’s dropping.

Conan: Terrible.

Harland: It’s coming right down, though, so it’s cheap.

Conan: Oh.

Harland: Here’s the good news. About three months ago I was able to go out and get a printer. 99 bucks for a laser printer.

Conan: That’s good.

Harland: But the catch is, about two weeks ago, my little ink cartridge ran out, so I had to get a new one. 700 dollars.

Conan: But they got you then. You gotta buy it.

Harland: Here’s what I do. Do like I did. I went to the pet store, I bought an octopus, now every time my ink runs out I strap that cartridge to his little octopus ass, dress up in my little shark outfit, sneak up on the tank, and scare the crap out of him. I get my ink for free, my friend.

Conan: Pretty slick. I wanna see a trancsript of this interview when it’s over. I wanna analyze what went wrong and what went so right.

Harland: Can I reply to that?

Conan: Yes you can.

Harland: How dare you.

Conan: Mr. Harland Williams, you’re an extremely funny man. Got a new sketch show: “Enter at Your Own Risk”, which is on CTV, that’s Canadian Television. What the hell – (inturrupted by audience applause) why are you plugging it here in America?

Harland: I like to [censored] a little bit.

Conan: (shocked) You can’t say that! You can’t say that! You’re not allowed to say that! We’re gonna have to cut away to footage of another show.

Harland: Maybe you can cut away to that scene of Sharon Stone doing this (crosses his legs sexually). That’s the same thing.

Conan: You’re a weird guy. But I loved having you here.

Harland: Thank you, buddy.

Conan: And I love you.

Harland: How dare you.

Conan: Harland Williams, everybody! We’ll be right back with Lyle Lovett.

This was trans- cribed by me, so any errors are entirely my fault. Also, all the poor grammar and "you know"'s are not my English skills, but how Conan and Harland spoke.

Harland Williams

Instant Info
Date: 08/10/02
Episode: 1624

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