Thoughts_from_SirJames

We who have chosen to go beyond the confines of gender identification and moved out of what is considered mainstream sexual behavior, have in many respects entered a dual life. Prejudice, condemnation and sometimes persecution have been the side affects of choosing differently. Speaking from my own experience, I have had 2 different sets of friends: those who understand and relate and those who don’t. This duality has followed me into the work place. I work in an industry where talking about my sexual preferences and lifestyles could easily ruin my career. Our society is still plagued with by Victorian thinking and values. What I find humorous is that some of the most debauched sexually activity in history occurred through out Victorian era! There seems to be a connection with morals, values and ethics attached to one’s choice of sexual and gender behavior. Labels attached are ‘pervert, deviant, freak, etc.’ and once given the ‘Scarlet Letter’, it is very difficult to remove. If some of my friends found out that I was involved with crossdressing and dominance/submission; they would not allow me to be around their children and most likely not associate with me. I find it very curious that a very large percentage of child molesters are middle aged, married heterosexual men. Makes you wonder.

Some models of thinking state the only true purpose of sex is to procreate. I think that is true for sex, but what we are dealing with is sexuality, or expressing ourselves in a fashion that is erotic. As human beings, we have a cerebral cortex, which is quite large compared to other mammals. The cerebral cortex is responsible for all abstract thinking and association. In essence: imagination. All our lower needs and functions that rise out of the mid or visceral brain get processed through the cerebral cortex. We take the primal urges of reproduction, warmth, safety, nourishment and shelter and process them. Through this course we attach experiences and relationships to many different aspects of our personality. The point of all of this is to portray a semblance of ‘normalcy’ toward choosing an alternate way of living. I guess it’s really important to say this, because I was one of those who went for years thinking that I was some sort of freak; that I needed to seek professional help. I did so and found out that I have some issues, but all in all, sane and healthy. I know many people take off on a tangent in their life with how they live it and are just fine with it. I guess I didn’t have as much personal confidence.

I have found, for the most part, that most that I associate with in this lifestyle are quite sane, healthy, level headed people. In fact, sometimes more than the ‘missionary’ types. I think it is much more beneficial to the being to let out our feelings, express ourselves however we see fit rather than suppressing the feelings and ending up neurotic or depressed.

That’s it for now…….

This is dedicated to my friend/lover/mentor Susan Rafferty. A Tgirl above and beyond.

The internet has become a vehicle for people to connect in a fashion that would be otherwise impossible. When I first was introduced to the CD/TS/TG/TV scene in San Francisco, in the early ‘80’s, this was a very underground culture. Either the hetero or gay community didn’t readily accept this lifestyle. Yes, I did say gay community. I have found prejudices run very deep with gay men, but that’s a different story. The whole ‘SheMale’ phenomenon was still in its infancy. There were clubs like the Finocchio’s in North Beach and could find a few TS escorts in papers like the Spectator. Now we can log on, do a search and find hundreds of like-minded people with a mouse click.

During this time period, due to my own desires, I fell into the ‘TS loop’. I made a number of friends and very accepted because at that time I was still dressing and because I could very much identify with the emotional pain of many of the TS sisters. I soon found out the darker side of the community. There was a pecking order. Starting with the top of the heap:

There are sub categories. The full time pre-ops are further divide up with the younger TS’s who started HRT at a young age and are very passable subjugate the older TS’s who have had years of testosterone flowing, therefore have a much more difficult time being passable. Some of this I picked up on, a larger portion of it was pointed out by my lover at that time, Susan. Susan started HRT when she was 20. She had moved out to San Francisco from some back water town in Nebraska just so she could pursue her desires in a much more open society. San Francisco is rather unique in that regard. There is something about that city that makes it a mecca for ‘misfit toys’. Yes, there is still some very conventional thinking, but on the whole it is much easier to be a TS in San Francisco (AKA The City, NEVER ‘Frisco!!!) than Montgomery Alabama. Susan was gorgeous!! She had been living full time as a woman for 3 years when we had met. Her beauty went straight to her soul. She was one of the most kind and giving persons I have ever met. There were two aspects of her that I remember most: her modesty about her looks and the fact that she never wanted to go through with SRS. She always had an air of gratitude; that she was very fortunate that she ended up looking so female and pretty. She was always so supportive of other tgirls who really hated that they were ‘not as fortunate’. One of the facets of her character that I found so intriguing was her desire to remain ‘hermaphroditic’, which I think was VERY providential for me, she was very well endowed!!

I have found a ton of web pages of tgirls who are very beautiful. Unfortunately they can’t seem to saying how beautiful they are, either by prose or picture. I think it is really sad that for many, who lived in such turmoil and anguish, feeling rejected and out of place in society, end up becoming exactly like those who oppressed them. Human nature? Who knows? Thoughts for wiser minds than mind to ponder.

I am very aware of my taking an ‘Agent Provocateur’ position. I hope that some of what has been said will make you stop and think. I also realize that many of you may think I am full of shit. Oh well! If you don’t like it, I can put a ball gag in your mouth, stick a butt plug in your ass, tie you over a table for an hour and we can talk about it again!!!!

Kisses….

James